


The One That Got Away

by TwoBoys2Love



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 06:15:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3967534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoBoys2Love/pseuds/TwoBoys2Love
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared was in love with Jensen and things didn't go as planned. Jensen was closed off and things fell apart. Jared started his life over again, got a great job, a wonderful best friend and finally bought a new condo. When he moved in he was surprised to find out that the building super was, none other than, Jensen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The warehouse condo was the largest expense Jared had ever undertaken. But it was perfect. The old brick warehouse had been converted into six residences and Jared could, for the first time in his life, afford to buy.

It was the new job that was responsible for things finally coming together in his life. He had been working at CMM ImageWorks overseeing the rebranding accounts for about six months. Jared had received rave reviews at the completion of his three month probation period.

All his work at school had finally paid off. He had a great job that he loved and, now, a really fantastic home.

Jared had chosen the top suite in the building. There were six flights of stairs or a loud ride in a cool old cargo elevator. Floor-to-ceiling windows had been a big selling point but there was also a view of the Bay and a glass-walled shower with two showerheads. There was _so_ much kitchen that Jared wasn't sure he even knew what to do with it all. There was secure parking on the ground floor and best of all, a live-in super to help with renovations and repairs. Apparently the guy was a carpenter or something and any renovations he did, short of knocking things down, was covered in the monthly strata fees.

"This place is fucking amazing," Jeff said as he wandered over to Jared's newly-delivered couch.

Jared laughed, delighted at his friend's excitement and headed over to the tall, black fridge to grab two cold beers. As he swung back out of the kitchen Jared handed one of the cool bottles to Jeff.

"I chose the wrong profession, obviously," Jeff said wistfully. He sank down onto the couch and took a swig of beer.

"Being a nurse is _perfect_ for you and you know it."

The hospital, in fact, was where Jared had met his best friend. Jared had dislocated his shoulder playing pickup football and Jeff had been one of the nurses who helped to shove it back into place.

Jared tousled Jeff's black hair and sat down on the arm of the couch.

Jeff was smiling fondly when he looked up at Jared. "You know it. But, seriously? This place is wild."

There was no way Jared would disagree. He knew he was guilty of buying a place that was _far_ more than he needed in terms of a home. But he spent a lot of time at home; he even worked there a few days a week.

"Wanna know something funny?" Jared asked.

"What?"

"I can't even cook." As he glanced over at the kitchen island Jared couldn't help grinning.

Jeff laughed and nearly spilled his beer when he smacked his hand down on his thigh.

"Do _not_ spill that on my new sofa!"

But Jeff just laughed harder. The floor, after all, was polished concrete.

When he finally stopped laughing, Jeff groaned and wiped his eyes. "Idiot."

"I love you, too."

After he set his beer on the coffee table Jeff looked over where the movers had stacked all of Jared's boxes of books. "What's goin' on over there with that train wreck?"

Jared had to admit that it was a bit of a mess. One of the drawbacks of warehouse-style living was that Jared would have to create a lot of storage. "I emailed the super. Apparently, the guy is a crazy-good carpenter. I'm thinking about three sections of bookshelves? Maybe each of them four feet across.

"Listen to you." Jeff grinned and bumped his shoulder into Jared's hip. "You sound like a host on the Home and Garden network."

"Right." Jared could feel his cheeks burning a little. He was in a little over his head but it was going to be fun.

"You've done good, Kid," Jeff said warmly. He'd been around long enough to know that it had been an uphill climb for Jared.

"Thanks," Jared said when he trusted his voice to stay steady. Jeff was the closest thing Jared had to family and he felt pretty blessed.

"So, get that nice ass of yours into your glorious kitchen and get me food. My shift was brutal."

Jared's beer clinked on his table when he set it down. "Jeff, I have a wonderful collection of Thai leftovers and a microwave."

Jeff groaned and settled back onto the couch to try and choose the right remote control to turn the television on.

-=-=-=-

The work week had been insane. Jared's account load had doubled once he passed probation. He'd created some great logos and two of them were already approved by clients. He'd never been busier and he'd never enjoyed himself more.

That being said, Jared was looking forward to the weekend and some time at his new home.

It was Friday night; Jared had some good movies cued up on Netflix and Jeff was coming over with Chinese Food from their favorite place.

For a while, Jared peered out one of the tall windows and watched the waves as the tide came in. He'd always loved the ocean and here it was, right outside his window. 

A little bit of disbelief crept into Jared's mind and he shook his head. "Crazy."

By the time Jared had changed into jeans and a beat up old t-shirt he was starving.

The bang on the door made Jared jump and his stomach growled in displeasure. "Finally!"

"Jesus, Jeff. Did you go to another city for the food?" Jared asked as he yanked the door open.

When he saw who was on the other side of the door Jared took a step back.. All the blood drained from Jared's face and he felt a little light-headed. "What? What the _hell_ are you doing here?"

It was the very last person that Jared wanted or expected to see: Jensen Ackles. It had been four years since they'd last seen each other. And it had taken about that long for Jared to get over him.

Now, the man was standing there with a toolbox and a ring of keys on his belt that resembled a Christmas decoration.

"What-" Suddenly Jared was left without words. _Jensen Ackles_. The man who had come into Jared's life and changed everything. Things between them had started great but everything had slowly disintegrated. Jensen had so many secrets and he was so closed off to Jared; there were times when the walls around Jensen had seemed unassailable. Eventually, Jared had done the hardest thing that he had _ever_ done; he left Jensen.

As Jared's thoughts settled back into some semblance of awareness he realized that Jensen was still standing there in the open door and he was looking more angry than anything else. And he had no right to be.

Finally, Jared's limbs began to wake from their stunned slumber. He stepped back and grabbed the edge of the door to slam it in Jensen's face.

But when he shoved the door closed it thumped into the boot that Jensen had stuck just inside the condo. "super," Jensen said from the other side of the door.

The word made some kind of sense to Jared but what made _no_ sense was that the title _super_ and Jensen's presence.

"Leave," Jared said as he stepped back from the party-closed door.

"Jared, I'm the super in the building. You emailed and said you wanted me to build bookshelves."

Jared covered his face with his hands for a few moments. It couldn't be happening. Jensen couldn't be outside his door. There was no way Jensen was outside the door of Jared's brand new home. It had been four years since Jared had left Jensen and moved on to a completely different life and it had been the hardest thing he'd ever done.

Then there was another voice in the hallway and the boot finally eased out of the door.

Everything went quiet for a moment then Jared heard Jeff's voice.

"Jared? You okay?"

The door opened slowly, but this time Jeff was standing in the entrance just in front of Jensen. "Your handyman is here."

"super," Jensen said from outside. "And I'm a carpenter."

"Leave," Jared said. He was glad that Jensen was still on the other side of the door because his eyes were like some kind of Venus Fly Trap. Jared had been sucked into Jensen's mess once before and he couldn't afford to do it again.

"Look, Jared," Jeff said weakly. "I know I'm a bit late but the food is hot. It was busier than hell in that place."

"Not you." Jared yanked the door open and pointed at Jensen. "Him."

"The handyman?" Jeff had never looked more confused. He stepped all the way into Jared's condo hesitantly and held up the food like an offering.

"I'm a carpenter," Jensen said again.

"I'm losing my mind," Jared said as he slid his hands into his hair. "That's what this is. I'm finally losing it."

The bag of food crinkled as Jeff set it on the table beside the door. "You don't want bookshelves anymore?"

Jared closed his eyes until he felt a little less like hurling himself out of the nearest window. "Jeff, this is... that is Jensen."

Looking more puzzled than ever Jeff turned and smiled weakly at Jensen. "Hi, Jensen. You're going to work on the shelves?"

Jensen shrugged and looked over at Jared.

"No," Jared answered sharply. "He's not working on anything in here. Jeff, he's not Jensen the _super_ , he's _my_ Jensen."

One of Jensen's eyebrows lifted and his head tilted slightly. Jared remembered the look clear as day; Jensen was letting Jared know that his choice of words wasn't quite right.

Jared let out an exasperated sigh. " _He_ is the Jensen from four years ago."

"Oh." Jeff's expression morphed into something much more stern. "You didn't tell me he was the super."

"I didn't know," Jared answered quickly. Had he known that Jensen with his green eyes and stupid freckles was even _in_ the same city Jared night have considered moving.

Jeff stepped in front of Jared protectively so he could keep an eye on Jensen. "You _knew_ when you came here."

It was a statement not a question because it was a fact. Jeff had been at the condo the night Jared had emailed. Jared's full name was on his email signature and Jensen hadn't looked all that surprised when he saw his ex.

Jensen shifted his weight, shrugged and his knuckles tightened on the handles of his tool box. "Yeah. I knew Jared was here. I got his email.”

"And you didn't think it would be a good idea to let him know you were the handyman before you came up here, I take it?"

"I'm not a god-damned handyman," Jensen snapped. "And I didn't tell him - uh you because - wait, who the _hell_ are you anyway? Are you two-"

"Do not ask questions about me," Jared cut in. "You need to leave." Jared was shaking and, for some reason, it felt like his hands were going numb.

"I think that's a good idea," Jeff said. His tone was slightly stern.

When Jared looked over at Jensen their gazes locked. Jared's heart was beating so fast he could hear his blood rushing in his ears. There was a strange smile on Jensen's face and then he nodded once. He turned and headed back to the staircase. It wasn't until the sound of boots on the stairs drifted back down the hall that Jeff closed the door slowly.

"Chinese food?" Jeff asked as he turned to face Jared.

Jared shrugged and folded his arms across his chest.

Jensen _Fucking_ Ackles. 

-=-=-=-

Jeff set the food out on the kitchen island slowly and precisely. Jared could tell that his friend was killing time while Jared tried to get himself together. It was appreciated. Even though Jared wanted to spill his guts to Jeff he wasn't sure that he could string together the words to make himself understood. It had taken _so_ long for Jared to turn everything around after he had left Jensen.

In fact, leaving Jensen had felt almost impossible. Jared had felt so much and he'd had to learn to live with leaving it all behind.

"I'm not gonna ask any questions," Jeff said as he spooned some food onto each of their plates.

All Jared could hear was the occasional clink of the spoon against the plates and the cardboard of the containers sliding on the counter.

His mind was still racing. It was a little like rewinding a video so fast it was almost impossible to see any clear images. It all went right back to when Jared had first met Jensen, back before everything had gone south.

"But, Jared? Just because I'm not going to ask questions doesn't mean that I won't listen if you want to tell me." Jeff took the plates over to the dining room table and sat down.

"I told you," Jared said softly. He headed over to the table and sank down onto the chair opposite Jeff's.

Jeff nodded slowly and stabbed a chicken ball with his fork. He went to put it in his mouth and then stopped about halfway there. "You told me the basics. You met Jensen, you guys were together a lot, you were crazy about him and he just wouldn't let you in. You told me you left and that was the end of it. Only it wasn't, was it?"

Jared shook his head. That really was about all he'd told Jeff and it really just scratched the surface. He didn't want to pour his heart out. It wouldn't change anything, nor would it make anything the slightest bit easier.

After he swept his hair back off his face Jared looked up at Jeff. "It's a _very_ long story."

"I'm sleeping here tonight anyway."

Jared felt a little relieved. Jeff knew him well enough to know that Jared wouldn't want to be alone.

"You'll think I'm an idiot."

"I already think you're an idiot and it's got nothing to do with your past." Jeff's smile was so full of warmth that Jared couldn't help fixing Jeff with one of his own.

The food didn't look all that appealing to Jared once he was sitting in front of it. Truth be told, his stomach had been feeling a little queasy since Jensen had left. "Grab a couple of beers and I'll tell you."

The scraping sound of Jeff's chair sliding back made Jared grimace. Jeff was a little _too_ enthusiastic about hearing more of Jared's past _and_ the sound of it set his nerves on edge.

There was a beer in front of Jared pretty quickly and he was faced with trying to actually sort out his memories.

"Talk," Jeff ordered as he took a bite out of his chicken ball.

Jared sighed.

-=-=-=-

They had met on a park bench. Jared wandered around campus sometimes and there was a bench in amongst the ornamental cherry trees. Jared loved it there. It was one of the most beautiful places he knew. It was a little like leaving the whole city behind.

The bench was well hidden under the drooping branches. Jared had never seen anyone else. Well, not until the day he saw Jensen.

Jared had been listening to music, face upturned to the heat of the sun that was trickling through the branches. His eyes were closed and he was swaying slightly to the music.

When he opened his eyes Jensen was standing there. He was dressed in perfectly-fitting jeans and a t-shirt that was dark red. His hair was a little tousled. It was longer then and had little curls that tickled the skin on Jensen's neck.

But it was Jensen's eyes that sealed Jared's fate. They were a kind of leaf green color, light glinting off them. And his lashes were so long and dark that Jared could see them from where he sat.

Startled Jared pulled the earbuds out of his ears.

And they had introduced themselves.

They had talked for three hours that day. They covered everything from books to bacon. Sometimes they agreed; more often they disagreed but it didn't seem to matter.

They were a couple within a week and Jared was so hooked he almost completely lost sight of everything else.

As he looked back Jared could more clearly see that there had been some unusual things about Jensen from the very beginning. It had just been a lot easier for Jared to miss them when he was so focused on the way it felt to be pressed up against Jensen's firm body.

For instance, once they were anywhere in public Jensen would stiffen up. He would look almost unsettled, as though he was expecting something bad to happen.

Little things became bigger over time. When they were in public Jensen wouldn't ever take Jared's hand, or even touch him for that matter. It wasn't that Jared wanted to be all PDA about it but it was always pretty easy to tell when someone didn't want to be seen.

The sex, Jared had assured Jeff, was amazing. Sometimes, Jensen seemed a little reserved or like he was holding back. It always felt a little like Jensen was the one making the decisions; he was always the one in control. By that time though, Jared loved him too much to object. Besides, he'd always thought they would have time to work through things.

Jared had known so little about Jensen when it came down to it. He knew Jensen was a lawyer, but not where he worked or what kind of law he practiced. Jensen's answer was always that it was really boring and that spending time with Jared was time away from the stress of work. Jensen lived on the south side of the city but Jared had never been to his house. 

While Jared was talking he'd seen the way Jeff had begun to look a little sceptical. Jared understood. It was hard to believe that Jared hadn't been bothered by the way Jensen kept himself so walled off.

It was a pretty classic sign that Jensen was being deceptive. And yeah, afterwards Jared would speculate. Maybe Jensen wasn't out. maybe he had a partner already. Maybe he was ashamed to be seen with Jared. Yeah. Hindsight was twenty-twenty.

The breaking point, for Jared, had come the night when they'd been out at a movie. Just like usual they had walked to the cinema and were walking back to Jared's after it ended. About halfway there Jared had seen his friend, Richard. He'd introduced Jensen. Jared and Richard had chatted. They caught up because they hadn't seen each other in a while.

And then Jensen just started to walk away. No goodbye, no nothing. After a quick goodbye to Richard, Jared had run to catch up with Jensen.

It had been an argument. Jensen had just seemed angry about everything. He was pissed off they'd had to stop. Who the hell _was_ Richard anyway? Why had Jared introduced Jensen? It had just gone on while Jared had tried to defend himself and, somehow, diffuse Jensen's anger.

The entire situation had been a little absurd. Finally, Jared had just stepped forward and slid his hand around Jensen's neck hoping to calm him down.

Jensen had shoved Jared back. His hand had connected _so_ hard with Jared's shoulder that it ached as he stood there. He'd never forget the words that had come with the shove. _Get the hell away from me._

Jared had just walked away that night. He'd wondered, for a few blocks, if he would hear Jensen coming after him but he didn't look until he reached the front of his apartment building. When Jared looked back up the street there was no sign of anyone.

Over the following few weeks there were a few messages from Jensen. One of them was a pretty heartfelt apology. Jensen's distant-sounding voice told Jared that there were so many things Jared didn't understand. Jensen's situation was complicated and if Jared would _just_ give him a chance he would explain.

Jared was pretty sure that _complicated_ was code for _can't be out of the closet and be a lawyer_. But it was too little too late. There was so much that Jared didn't know and, his friends suggested, he should get out while the getting was good.

As luck would have it, about three weeks after the shove Jared received a letter from the State university accepting him to their Arts program. Best of all he was given a full scholarship. There would be no more cheap rooming houses and second-hand clothes.

"And, that's when you moved here," Jeff said.

Jared nodded. "Four more years of study and some extra night classes and here I am." When he'd summed everything up it didn't seem like all that much time had passed since he'd left Jensen.

The were silent for a while and Jared watched as Jeff pushed a few grains of rice around his mostly empty plate. Eventually, Jared couldn't take the silence. "Jeff?"

"Did it occur to you that he could be married or something?" Jeff was looking down at his plate like he was afraid to meet Jared's gaze.

"I thought maybe ... oh. You mean to a woman." Jared groaned and closed his eyes for a few moments. "Yeah, I thought about it _after_.

Jeff sighed. "Look. I wasn't there but it sounds like it was kind of one-sided."

"No," Jared said quickly. "He. He felt something for me. You just know when it's there. Okay, so he had a problem with expressing it-"

"-a problem? _Jesus_ , Jared. Did he ever throw his arm around you while you were out? Did he introduce you to his friends? His co-workers? I mean, I don't see how you figure that is him having feelings for you."

It didn't matter what Jeff said, Jared knew that there had been something between them. The way Jensen looked at Jared sometimes said it all.There was an intensity in his gaze; it could be a little overwhelming.

"Whatcha thinkin'?" Jeff leaned forward and propped his chin on his hand.

Jared smile. "Just thinking about how I knew that Jensen loved me. He never said the words, he never wrote it down. You're right, Jeff. But there were things that you didn't see; you weren't even there."

Jeff nodded and slumped back on his chair. "Fair enough. So what now?"

The embarrassment of the entire situation came crashing down on Jared. Jensen had _known_ that it was going to be Jared he was facing when he knocked on the door. If Jared was a paranoid person he would have to wonder if Jensen got some kind of pleasure out of Jared's shock.

"What now?" Jared echoed as he tried to sort through his maddening thoughts. "I guess either I move or I figure out how to deal with this, right?"

"Right," Jeff answered. "And much as I'd like to move, I can't stay here every night."

Jared fidgeted a little as anxiety sparked up at the idea of being alone in his condo with Jensen just a few floors away.

"He won't hurt you?"

"What? No! No. I don't think. I mean, that whole thing with the fight and the shoving, I think that was just a breaking point."

"So, maybe it would have gotten worse?" Jeff frowned and there was concern written all over his face.

But Jared thought quite the opposite. He cleared his throat and clasped his hands together tightly. "What if he needed me? What if that was _the_ moment?"

"Jared, you can't look at things like that. You gave a lot of yourself and got nothing in return." Jeff shook his head and sighed again.

 

"He apologized back then," Jared said softly.

" _One_ apology?" Jeff asked. He looked a little like he was finding the entire situation unbelievable.

"Jeff, all I'm saying is that ... that I don't know what would have happened if I had stayed _but_ I made the right decision when I left."

Looking more than a little relieved Jeff smiled. "I'm glad you said that."

"You gonna kick my ass?" Jared teased to break the tension.

Jeff chuckled and picked up his beer. "As your best friend I reserve the right to kick your ass whenever you need it."

There was a smile on Jared's face when he picked up his beer and stood slowly. "Couch."

"Thank God," Jeff muttered. "I'm old. I need to be comfortable."

Jared couldn't help laughing at that. Jeff might have been forty-eight but he didn't look or act his age. When Jared had just met his friend at the hospital he'd developed a bit of a crush. At the time, Jeff was in a relationship and Jared had realized how many years were between them. "You're the hottest single guy I know, Jeff."

And the laughter continued. For Jared it was sweet relief from the _Jensen_ problem. Even if he cancelled his bookshelves, odds were in favor of them running into each other again.

Jeff kicked his feet up and set them on the coffee table.

-=-=-=-

Jeff hadn't come up with any good ways for Jared to avoid Jensen. Jared couldn't see himself moving out just because his ex happened to live in the same building.

It was, after all, a brand new home and it was _perfect_ for Jared. It was the place he'd always wanted.

After a few days of muttering to himself and repeatedly texting Jeff to vent, Jared decided that he was staying not matter what. He also decided that he was going to _get_ his damned bookshelves.

Jeff hadn't thought the second idea was a particularly good one. He suggested that Jared have an independent contractor; he could afford it. Whey put himself through any unnecessary encounters with _Jensen_.

But.

There had always been a _but_ when it came to Jensen and Jared was pretty sure that Jeff's advice was right.

But.

 _Jensen_. He had been a mysterious lawyer that Jared had been in love with. The _new_ Jensen was a super in a converted warehouse doing things in peoples' honey-do lists. Jared would be a liar if he denied the fact that he was curious about how things had changed so drastically for Jensen.

Things had obviously changed in Jensen's life. Maybe things had taken a turn for the worse after Jared had moved on. More than likely, the changes had nothing to do with Jared.

There had been a lot of back and forth about it between Jared and Jeff. Then Jared had told Jeff that it was his decision. He'd decided that he wasn't going to let Jensen intimidate him or chase him away. Jared was going to get _Jensen_ to do his bookshelves. It might not be the smartest decision that he'd ever made but it felt right.

There remained one problem and that was that Jared wasn't comfortable with Jensen being alone in his home. He didn't want to ask for time off work so soon. His boss, Chad, was a great man, but probably not ready for his new star employee to take time off.

Jared opted for asking Chad if it was okay to work from home for a while. Chad had no problem with it.

Jeff thought that the only thing worse than having Jensen do the work was Jared staying home to _watch_ Jensen do the work.

Jeff may have been right because when the day finally rolled around for Jensen to start working on the bookshelves Jared was a nervous wreck.

f]Fortunately, Jeff had decided to come over with a pizza for lunch because he had a late-starting shift.

"You're mental, you know that?" Jeff took a rather predatory look at the pizza on his plate and then bit into it.

"I might be," Jared answered quickly. It had occurred to him that letting Jensen back into his life under any circumstances was insane.

"Four years," Jeff mumbled with a mouth full of pizza.

The sound made Jared frown.

After Jeff swallowed he smirked then picked up his pizza and gestured towards Jared with it. "It took four years for you to get over this guy, right?"

Jared nodded. "About that, yeah."

"And now you want to just rip the scab off and have this guy in your face for a week?"

"What I _want_ ," Jared said slowly. "Is for him not to be alone in my home to do whatever he wants."

"What you think he's gonna do? Go through your underwear drawer?"

"Very funny. Don't give me anything else to worry about," Jared said glumly.

It wasn't that he thought Jensen was some kind of psycho or serial killer. He just didn't think that Jensen deserved _know_ anything about his new life. It just didn't seem fair after everything he'd been through.

"Well," Jeff said between mouthfulls of pizza. "I guess well see what happens."

"You make it sound like-"

There was a banging on Jared's door and Jeff jumped and knocked the table with his knee.

"Fuck," Jeff muttered as he rubbed his leg.

"It's the door," Jared said.

Jeff froze for a second or two then nodded. "Yes. It's the door."

"What do I do?" Jared was fighting the urge to run even though there really wasn't anywhere to go.

"Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"You have to answer the door."

"Right." It was just Jensen. There was nothing particularly out of the ordinary about getting bookshelves built. "Right?"

The chair scraped on the floor and Jared smoothed his t-shirt down as he stood. The door looked about a mile away as Jared began walking towards it.

By the time his hand grasped the door handle Jared could feel sweat beading on his forehead.

He yanked the door open and, yes, Jensen was standing there. He was wearing worn blue jeans, there was even a tear on his knee. His shirt was blue, a pale blue that made Jensen's stubble look a little red.

When Jared pulled the door open Jensen was fussing with something on his tool belt. when he looked up he was holding a measuring tape. "I need to measure the ... wall. I need to pick up lumber."

"Right," Jared said. He hoped that he'd managed to keep the emotion that was trying to drown him away from his voice. Tearing his eyes away from Jensen's was hard but Jared managed it. He swung the door open and gestured for Jensen to come in.

Jensen took a few steps into the condo then looked back at Jared. "Where you want the shelves?"

Right. Jensen was going to need a little direction. "Over here."

Jared walked over to the area across from the kitchen where he wanted the shelves.

Jensen followed along slowly. As he passed the table he stared at Jeff. "You live here or something?"

"Really not so much your business," Jeff said gruffly.

"Jensen." The last thing that Jared needed was even more tension and he knew that Jeff didn't want Jensen there.

But. He was there.

Once Jensen was at his side Jared began to explain how he wanted the shelves to run along the wall. Jensen asked a couple of questions then he began taking measurements and writing them in his notebook.

After standing there feeling useless for a while Jared paced back over to the table and sat down.

When he looked over at Jeff, Jared shrugged. Jeff picked up another piece of pizza and slipped it onto his plate.

It was bizarre. Jared could hear Jensen moving around; he could see Jeff eating pizza and checking his phone. It was so ordinary it made Jared want to yell or throw something.

"My shift starts at three," Jeff said.

Jared nodded. "You gotta leave."

It was Jeff's turn to nod. He took another bite of pizza then chewed as he watched Jensen. When he swallowed he looked back at Jared. "You need me to be late to work?"

It was tempting but Jared felt like he really needed to learn how to deal with the way he felt around Jensen. The guy was going to be around all week and Jeff couldn't be there every day.

"It's all good, Jeff." Jared stood again and rubbed at his temples. He had a headache, which really wasn't surprising considering that every muscle in his body was so tense they all felt like they could snap.

"You sure?" There was a lot of concern on Jeff's face.

"I'm alright," Jared said quietly. "He won't be here long and then I can get some work done."

For a few moments Jeff was quiet then he nodded and stood. "Text me."

Jared couldn't help smiling at his friend. "Will do."

After a last, lingering look at Jensen, Jeff headed for the door. "Bye," he called out.

The door opened then closed and Jared was alone with Jensen. He kept his eyes on the door and clasped his hands together tightly. He could get through the first visit and then everything would be fine.

"Your bodyguard gone for the day?"

Jared jumped again; he was getting pretty tired of it. He needed a good massage or a stiff drink. Or both. "Jeff's not my bodyguard."

Jensen let the tape roll back into its case and moved to measure another part of the wall. "You guys a couple?"

"Jensen, I don't want to do this," Jared said quietly.

"Do what?" If Jensen was concerned he didn't show it. He kept his eyes on his work.

"I don't want to be friends. I just want the bookshelves done."

"You didn't need to be here for _me_ to build shelves," Jensen said without looking at Jared.

It was true. Jared didn't _need_ to be there but he wanted to be there. If he'd gone to the office he would have driven himself crazy wondering what Jensen was doing.

"I don't like strangers in my home when I'm not here," Jared said.

"Strangers?" Finally, Jensen turned around. The measuring tape slid back into its case with a loud snap.

"Yeah," Jared said weakly. It was a guess that saying he didn't want strangers in his home was better than saying that he didn't trust Jensen at all. It may have been a miscalculation.

"I'm a lot of things, Jared but I'm not a stranger." Jensen marked something down in his notebook and then put it into the back pocket of his jeans.

Jared was beginning to realize what a monumentally bad idea it had been to have Jensen build the shelves. He was going to hate telling Jeff about it. Jeff would never let him hear the end of it.

"Jensen? I know as much about you now as I ever did. Wait - I know _more_ now because I know where you work. You're a handyman. You never told me a thing when we were ... before." There was no way Jared could manage to get out the word _together_ or _dating_. Now that he was looking back over it all Jared wasn't even sure it could be called a relationship when he didn't know a single thing about Jensen's life.

"Are you and your boyfriend hard of hearing? I'm a carpenter," Jensen said sharply.

"Apparently _you_ are because I said Jeff wasn't my boyfriend," Jared answered quickly.

"No, you didn't."

"What?"

"I asked if you were a couple and you avoided answering." There was a hint of a smile on Jensen's lips.

Anger was starting to gnaw at Jared. "I was never the one who had trouble talking about himself though, was I."

Surprisingly, Jensen was silent for a while. He looked down at the floor, hooked the measuring tape back onto his belt then looked back up at Jared. "No, Jared. You weren't the one who couldn't talk about himself."

Jared frowned as he stared over at Jensen. He could tell Jensen was sad - disappointed maybe - but he wasn't sure if it was because of his admission or because he didn't want to be there in a confrontation with Jared.

It was Jensen who finally averted his gaze. He straightened his tool belt and folded his arms across his chest tightly.

All of the anger that had been simmering away inside Jared dissipated and he was left feeling as though Jensen was more wounded than anything else.

"You done for today, Jensen?"

Without looking up, Jensen nodded slowly.

"Will you be back tomorrow?" Jared had hoped that the whole project would be over in a few days.

"I'll get the lumber I need this afternoon. Can they deliver it around four?"

Jared nodded until he realized that Jensen still wasn't looking at him. "Yeah, that will work fine. I'm working at home this week."

"Okay." Jensen's arms unfolded and he walked towards the door. As soon as his hand touched the door handle he stopped and looked back at Jared. "For what it's worth? I missed you."

The words had only just begun to sink into Jared's brain when the door clicked shut and Jensen was gone.

"Well, shit."

-=-=-=-

Jeff slammed the door as he bustled inside with a bag of groceries and his work bag. "Do you ever shop for yourself or do you just keep a list of friends to call for delivery?"

"No list," Jared called out from his desk. "Just you. What do I need other people for? You take care of pretty much everything."

"True." The bag fell over when Jeff set it on the counter and an apple rolled out.

One of the great things about Jeff being a nurse was that he worried about Jared's health. Left to his own devices Jared would order in two or three nights a week and forage for leftovers the rest of the time.

Working all afternoon had taken its toll on Jared. His alternative had been to go over and over the brief conversation he'd had with Jensen.

There was a pounding in Jared's head that was unrelenting. "I may have overdone it this afternoon. I'm not sure that I've blinked since about eleven this morning." Jared rubbed at his eyes with balled up fists.

"You been working since the _handyman_ left?" Jeff opened the cupboard and began hunting for something.

Nodding just made Jared's head throb even more. "Just wanted to _not_ think after he left. Focussed on work. What _are_ you looking for?"

"Coffee."

"Freezer."

"Filter?"

"Permanent. Already in the machine," Jared answered.

"So, while I make coffee come over here and tell me what happened with him today.” Jeff set up the coffee machine then sat on one of the stools at the kitchen island.

Jared groaned and pushed his chair back from the desk. The wheels rolled smoothly over the concrete and stopped about halfway to the island. When Jared stood he felt a little light-headed. "He said he missed me."

"He what?" Jeff's face looked like he was on the verge of laughing.

Jared sat down opposite Jeff and shrugged. He had to admit that it was the last thing he would have expected to hear from Jensen. "It was weird. He wasn't even here very long. Measured everything. Asked if you were my _boyfriend_ then when he was leaving he said he missed me. More precisely, he said _for what it's worth, I missed you._ "

"What does that mean?" Jeff slid off the stool and made up a couple of mugs full of coffee.

The coffee cup was hot but Jared kept his hands wrapped around it tightly. "It doesn't mean anything, right?"

"You tell me," Jeff answered.

It shouldn't mean anything. For the most part, it didn't mean anything. Jared was almost completely, mostly sure it didn't mean anything.

Jeff leaned forward until he caught Jared's eye. "I don't like that look on your face."

"What?" Jared rubbed at his face as though he could wipe away whatever it was that Jeff was seeing.

"Just ..." Jeff sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Just be careful, Jared."

 _Be careful._ It was really solid advice but Jared wasn't sure it was necessary. But then, there were a lot of things popping up that Jared wasn't sure about. Funny how all that uncertainty had arrived about the same time as Jensen.

-=-=-=-

Jensen arrived early in the morning to start work on the shelves. He arrived _so_ early, in fact, that Jared was still in bed.

The banging on the door matched the pounding in Jared's head that had been with him since the day before.

It was all a little overwhelming. Jared grabbed his jeans off the bottom of the bed and struggled into them as he made his way towards the door. "Yeah!"

He stumbled to a stop at the door and yanked it open. " _Jesus_ , it's early."

Jensen was standing there blinking and, as Jared watched, Jensen's gaze moved down Jared's body.

There were better times to have answered the door without a shirt on. "I was sleeping."

"I see that," Jensen said. His tongue slid across his bottom lip and he smiled crookedly.

"Well, it's early."

"You said that already."

"Come in, I guess." Jared stepped back from the door and folded his arms across his chest. He looked around quickly and picked up a plaid shirt off the back of the couch. He managed to get his arms in the shirt and was trying to button it up as he walked over to where Jensen was staring at the pile of lumber.

"Looks like we got everything," Jensen said. He had picked up the delivery slip that Jared had signed the day before.

"So - you're good to go?"

"Yeah." Jensen pulled out his notebook and jotted something down. "I had all the wood cut at the shop so there wouldn't be sawdust all over the place."

"Thanks." Jared shoved his hands into his pockets and peered over Jensen's shoulder at the notebook.

Very slowly, Jensen turned his head to look at Jared. "You need something?"

"No," Jared said softly. "No. I. I'm going to make some coffee; you want some?"

Even though Jensen looked a little suspicious he nodded before turning back to his notebook.

At least, Jared thought, he was awake. He padded over to the island and set about making coffee. While he was moving around he had to fight the urge to talk. It was what he did when there was someone around. But there was still a big part of him that didn't want a closer connection to Jensen. Not _now_ ; it was too late.

Because he wasn't awake enough to do much else, Jared stared at the coffee pot ats the water dripped into it. He wasn't entirely sure what to do while Jensen was in the condo. Sure, he could work but he was pretty sure he'd be distracted by whatever Jensen was doing. There was no way he was going to have a shower considering it was enclosed by glass walls.

Judging by the sounds coming from the other side of the condo, Jensen was making progress. Jared didn't know a damn thing about carpentry and that just made him even more curious as to how Jensen had changed careers.

"Oh! I almost forgot," Jensen said suddenly.

"What?" Jensen's voice caught Jared completely off guard and he knocked his head on the open cupboard door when he straightened up. 

For a few seconds Jared's head throbbed. He turned around slowly and rubbed at his forehead.

"You okay? I heard that over here." Jensen put his notebook down and took a few steps closer. "You're - there's. It's bleeding."

"Shit." There _was_ something warm trickling down Jared's cheek. Definitely the last thing he needed.

Jared poked at his forehead hesitantly. It didn't feel too bad but it _was_ bleeding.

"You got a first aid box?" Jensen asked.

The morning certainly wasn't working out the way Jared had imagined. "Don't know where it is."

"Okay. I've got something, I think," Jensen said. He headed back over to the toolbox he'd brought in with him.

By the time Jensen was back Jared was sitting on one of the stools.

Before getting too close Jensen held up the bandage and raised his eyebrows. It looked like he was worried that Jared might punch him or something.

The warmth of blood from the wound was a good indication that it needed a little attention. Jared nodded and smiled slightly.

"You should watch those cupboard doors," Jensen said in a gruff voice.

"Really? I hadn't noticed." Jared couldn't' help being a little aggravated. It was too early to be awake; Jensen was there and there was a good egg on his forehead.

When something pressed to the cut on Jared's forehead he sucked in a quick breath.

"Sorry," Jensen said softly. He smoothed Jared's hair back off his forehead and dabbed at the cut a few more times.

Warmth slipped into Jared's bloodstream and he closed his eyes. The gentle touch was a little _too_ familiar and Jared realized that he was getting in over his head quickly.

"I can take it from here," Jared said. His fingers grazed Jensen's as he took the gauze. "Doesn't need a bandage I don't think. Feels better already."

There was disbelief written all over Jensen's face but he shrugged then headed back over to the lumber.

"Not sure if you wanna know the details but I'm gonna build this in sections and stain it. I brought color swatches if you wanna choose." A piece of lumber thunked onto the concrete and jensen crouched down beside it.

"Okay," Jared said. He hadn't even thought any more about the details of the bookshelves since he'd realized they came with a _Jensen_.

When Jared pressed his fingers to the bump on his forehead they came away clean so he figured he was in no danger of bleeding to death.

He headed over to where Jensen was working and waited until Jensen held out the color swatches.

There were _far_ more shades of stain than Jared would have previously thought possible. After flipping through them all twice Jared cleared his throat.

Jensen looked up. "There a problem?"

"No, I just." Jared scratched at the end of his nose then smiled half-heartedly. "Never picked out stain for anything before."

"Just choose your favorite color." Jensen shrugged and looked back down at the wood he was sliding into place.

The stain shades didn't look much different to Jared the third time through. Rather than asking for help he went over to the table and sat down with them.

He fanned the color swatches out in front of him and stared at them for a long time. It didn't matter how many times he moved them around, he couldn't figure out which one to choose. He figured that his inability to make decisions could be because he hadn't had his morning coffee.

 _Coffee_. He'd offered Jensen coffee.

Jared stood so quickly he nearly knocked his chair over. he spun on his heels and ran _straight_ into Jensen who was standing right behind him.

The instant their bodies collided Jensen's hands grasped Jared's hips and held him in place.

"You alright?" Jensen asked. His voice was deeper and his fingers dug into Jared's hips a little deeper.

There were goosebumps shivering down Jared's neck from the brush of Jensen's breath against his skin. For a few seconds Jared's gaze was caught by Jensen's and it took his breath away. Jared had to look down and his eyes found Jensen's lips.

As it turned out, that wasn't a wise choice. Jared could still remember how those lips felt against his. Hell, Jared could remember a _lot_ more than he wanted to.

"I was." The Sahara had set up residence in Jared's throat and he tried to swallow. "I was gonna make coffee and I forgot to get you one."

"Yeah."

The only thing that Jared had to do to break the contact with Jensen was take a step back. That was _all_ he had to do.

However, all Jared could focus on was the way that Jensen's hands fit so perfectly over his hips. His gaze had been _so_ intense.

Jared's heart picked up speed and he pressed a hand to Jensen's chest to push back slightly.

Even having a little air between them cleared Jared's head. "Coffee. You just pick a stain for me. Whatever you think will go."

One step sideways and Jared was able to slip away and head towards the kitchen.

He tried to just think about the task in front of him. Mug. Coffee. Sugar. _God, he still knew how Jensen took his coffee._ And that was how it would happen; the way Jensen kept slipping back into Jared's thoughts.

Jeff had been _absolutely_ right about everything. Having Jensen in the condo every morning was going to be horrible.

It wasn't like Jared could just forget about how he'd felt when he was with Jensen. It had happened and it was still feeling _not_ so much in the past.

The sounds of Jensen working filtered through the cacophony of Jared's thoughts. He couldn't help feeling relieved. Staying far away from Jensen was going to be Jared's plan for the rest of the day.

As soon as the coffee was finished Jared was going to stick to his desk like glue.

-=-=-=-

For the most part, Jared's plan worked. He settled at his desk early in the morning and after about an hour he actually got caught up in the account he was working on. 

Work was like that for Jared. There was so much art in the design work that Jared got lost in the creation. Most of the time it wasn't like working at all and, for that, Jared was thankful.

Working got Jensen out of Jared's mind.

By the time three o'clock rolled around Jared was still hunched over his computer. He didn't hear Jensen saying his name until he was standing by Jared's desk.

"Jared?"

"What? Sorry. I was. What's up?" Jared rubbed at his eyes then looked over at Jensen.

"I picked up the stain. Bottom units have one coat. The fumes are gettin' to me though. Any of these windows open?" Jensen's face was flushed and sweat was beading on his forehead.

"God, yeah." Jared hopped up out of his chair and headed over to the nearest set of windows. "They open like this."

Jared pulled on the chains beside the metal window frame and showed Jensen how to crank on the lever to open the windows.Between the two of them they had all the windows open in no time.

The fresh air felt good. Jared hadn't even realized that Jensen had been using the stain until he'd mentioned it. The smell of it was pretty pungent.

"You alright?" Jared asked.

Jensen pulled his t-shirt up and wiped his face. "Yeah just breathed in a little too much."

What Jensen was saying _did_ manage to get into Jared's mind in spite of the fact that he was completely distracted by Jensen's abs. "You've been working out."

Looking a little surprised Jensen smoothed his t-shirt back down then hooked a thumb over his belt. "Yeah. I go to the gym a few times a week."

Jared nodded. He had no idea why he suddenly had no filter between his brain and his mouth but it felt a little dangerous.

"Jensen?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you a handyman now?"

"Carpenter."

"Sorry." Jared wasn't sure what difference it made in the end but he was willing to be flexible. "Carpenter."

"I wanted a change." Jensen ran his hand over his hair a few times then backed up a few steps towards the kitchen. "You mind if I help myself to another coffee?"

There was the Jensen that Jared remembered. As soon as a question was on the table the man withdrew. "Yeah, whatever."

About halfway across the condo Jensen stopped. He squared his shoulders and then turned around slowly. "Jared, is something wrong?"

"Nothing," Jared said glumly. "Nothing's changed. I should have expected that though."

"Expected? I'm the super remember?" Jensen turned away and headed over to the coffee pot. He poured himself a cup and swore softly when he spilled some on the counter.

"I'll clean it up; just finish up." As soon as the last word was out of Jared's mouth he realized it was a bad choice.

"Finish up?" The mug Jensen was holding clunked onto the counter and coffee splattered up Jensen's arm. "Don't order me around like some flunky."

Jared took a few steps closer and held his hands up in surrender. "Poor choice of words. I'm sorry."

For a little while it looked like Jensen was going to protest then he spun and headed back to the bookshelves.

There was a pounding in Jared's head again and he was starting to think he was having some kind of overboard reaction to having Jensen back in his life. "Jensen? Can we talk?"

"No." Jensen began to put his tools away and slipped his notebook into his back pocket.

"Okay," Jared snapped. "I just wanted to clear the air. Y'know?"

"I'll just do my job and get out of here." Jensen straightened up and rolled his shoulders before turning to face Jared.

"Fine," Jared answered because, really? There wasn't much point in saying much else.

For a handful of heartbeats the two men stared at each other and, for the first time, it was Jensen who looked away.

Much as Jared wanted to think that they could at least be civil to one another he didn't think it was going to happen.

"Why didn't you answer my calls?"

"What?" Frowning Jared leaned on the island.

"After you left," Jensen said. "Why didn't you return my calls or answer my texts."

It really felt to Jared like everything was a bit ass backwards. It should be _Jared_ who was demanding information. "I left because I needed to." 

"That's not an answer," Jensen shouted.

"Coming from you that's priceless." Jared leaned against the island and closed his eyes. He was _not_ going to go through everything all over again.

The door to the condo flew open and Jeff appeared with some flowers and a bottle of wine.

"Don't talk to me like that," Jensen spat.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jeff said as he stopped at Jared's side. He unloaded his arms and curled a hand around the back of Jared's neck. "You alright?"

"Oh good, your bodyguard is back." Jensen shook his head and headed towards the door.

Jeff blinked a few times then leaned forward to look at Jared's face. "You alright? Did I miss something?"

The door slammed and Jared's shoulders slumped. He wasn't sure why he was so bothered by what had happened. Jensen was Jared's past. There was no reason to think that anything had changed.

"Jare?" Jeff slid his arm over Jared's shoulders.

"This should be easier," Jared almost whispered.

"What should?" Jeff pulled Jared closer and kissed the peak of his cheek.

"Being around him. It shouldn't mean anything that he's back. It shouldn’t make any difference to me at all."

"But it does," Jeff said softly. 

All Jared could muster was a weak nod. His heart was heavy and his throat felt tight.

 

-=-=-=-


	2. Chapter 2

"Man, Jared. Sure, it might _feel_ better if people disappeared from our lives and left nothing behind but that's not how it happens." Jeff tousled Jared's hair and left his side long enough to get a corkscrew into the wine bottle.

"I know, I know. I guess I was just hoping that this was going to magically be _okay_. Jensen wouldn't be the same person - and I wouldn't still-" Jared bit down on his bottom lip.

The cork was halfway out of the wine bottle when Jeff froze and narrowed his gaze at his friend. "You wouldn't what?"

There were a couple of options for Jared. He could just suck it up and try to get through the week relatively unscathed. Or Jared could face what was going on in his mind.

"What's going on in there?" Jeff tapped a finger to Jared's temple.

"Funny you should ask that," Jared said dryly. "I don't know. It's a mess in my head."

"I kinda figured that." Jeff poured two glasses of wine and slid one towards Jared. "Can I help?"

"Hit me over the head with something?" Jared sighed then took a sip of wine. It was good and Jared considered drinking himself into oblivion.

"Okay," Jeff sat down on one of the stools.

"I didn't mean it."

Jeff chuckled. "I meant, let's try and figure this out." He stared at Jared with a half smile on his face.

The really weird thing was that Jared's intuition told him that things were more simple than he liked to think. "When he - I still, okay. When he's close to me - Hell - anywhere near me it's like I feel different."

After a sip of wine Jeff pressed his lips together. "Different good or different bad?"

"Unfortunately, good." That was the honest problem. It was the heat that slid over Jared's skin when Jensen was near him.

"What do you want?"

 _God_. Jeff always asked the questions that Jared didn't want to try and answer. There was such a mess of thoughts tangled up in Jared's mind that it felt like it would take a miracle to sort it all out.

"So, if Jensen came in here tomorrow and, somehow, things were different. If he was willing to be the person you need. Someone to get to know. Would you give it a shot?"

 _Would Jared give it a shot?_ In a way, that was the simple answer. But. Jensen didn't seem to have changed. He might have changed his career but he was still closed off. Jared couldn't imagine even _trying_ to have any kind of relationship with someone so hard to connect with.

And there were all the secrets that Jensen had always had.

Jared gave the only answer he could. "Jeff, I just don't know what I would do."

-=-=-=-

The third morning Jensen arrived a little later. That was a very good thing. Jared had a little bit of a wine hangover but he forced himself out of bed early enough to have a shower and breakfast. He was pretty impressed with himself.

For a while, Jared wondered if Jensen would come back at all. Things the previous day had ended rather abruptly.

The whole idea behind getting up early was that Jared wanted to have himself together.

All the things he and Jeff had spoken about were still stewing. He had a lot of questions and no real answers.

The thing was, by the time Jensen was banging on the door Jared didn't feel much better than he had the previous morning.

When Jared pulled the door open Jensen kept his gaze averted and nodded his greeting. He brushed past Jared and headed straight over to the bookshelves.

The bottom part of the shelves was already constructed and stained. Jared liked the darker stain that Jensen had chosen. He was also looking forward to finally being able to unpack all the boxes of books that were stacked up along the wall.

While he was getting a coffee Jared kept an eye on Jensen. He wasn't going to initiate the conversation though. That hadn't been all that successful for Jared.

Jensen seemed more closed off than he ever had been. But, Jared was beginning to think that he may just have to accept that there were some things that didn't change. Maybe Jensen was one of them.

Once he had a coffee and some cookies Jared settled in front of his computer and started working.

The construction noises were always at the periphery of Jared's thoughts but he managed to concentrate on the project he was working on.

He worked hard. He always worked hard. His motivation was just a little different than it was usually. The more focused Jared was the less he noticed Jensen. _That_ was good.

And that was how hours passed by for Jared. He'd sunk so deep into his work by about three o'clock that he nearly fell off his chair when Jensen spoke to him.

"Gonna open your windows again, okay?"

" _Jesus._ " Jared clutched his t-shirt over his heart and took a couple of deep breaths. "Yeah, sure."

"Didn't mean to startle you," Jensen said.

When Jared looked over at him he did a double take. At some point Jensen had taken his work shirt off and was just wearing a white undershirt. His cheeks were a little flushed, no doubt from his work. The sheen of sweat on his biceps caught Jared's eye and he had to force himself to look away.

"What you working on?" Jensen asked. he stepped up onto Jared's desk platform and leaned down to see the two screens in front of Jared.

A little taken aback, Jared smiled warily and slid closer to the computer again. "I work with companies that want to re-brand themselves. I head up the team and come up with the main design elements."

Because he was feeling a bit rattled Jared glanced over at Jensen. The man was gazing at the logo on the screen and looked quite interested. With a slight smile on his face, Jared pointed to the logo then tapped the screen to make it begin rotating.

"The main designs have to be flexible so that my colleagues can come up with all the components that go into the final package."

"That's really good. I knew you were artistic but I didn't know you could do this kind of stuff." Jensen stood back and slid his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

For a few seconds Jared felt a little strange. It almost made him feel sad that Jensen hadn't been around during Jared's education. "I ... well, after I left I went back to school. It's a pretty fast-moving industry."

"I guess it would be," Jensen said softly.

Jared figured they were both thinking about the same time. When Jared left it seemed as though everything had changed for both of them.

"How did you learn the carpentry?" Jared asked tentatively.

"Apprenticed. Mind if I open the windows now?" Jensen stretched his neck then walked a few steps backwards towards the windows.

Just like that the conversation was over. Hell, it was hardly a conversation. It was small talk. "Whatever."

If Jensen noticed the tone in Jared's voice, he didn't show it. He headed over to the wall of windows and began to open them.

There was a cool wind outside and the fresh air felt good when Jared took a deep breath. All the fresh air in the world wouldn't take away all the confusion and hurt in Jared's mind. It was beginning to eat away at him as he stood there watching Jensen.

It was then that something inside Jared began to crack apart. Jensen had only been back in his life for a handful of days and it was making Jared go a little insane.

It was the most bizarre situation that Jared could imagine. Of all the places in the world Jensen could have moved to they ended up in the same city.

Statistically, it was almost impossible. And yet, there they were in the same room. It seemed like the world, the universe or _something_ was trying to tell Jared something.

But what was it that Jared was supposed to be figuring out? If he was supposed to _forgive_ Jensen and learn how to move on then it wasn't going to happen. Jensen wouldn't even speak to him.

When Jensen moved on to the third window Jared stood and walked over to look outside. "Jensen? If I had stayed would you have _ever_ told me anything about your life?"

Jensen paused for a moment and then continued to open the window. When it was cranked wide Jensen stood there staring out into the late afternoon sun. "Some things you've just gotta move on from."

Anger burned fiercely in Jared's chest. "Why can't you _ever_ answer a question?"

"What is the point of all this, Jared?" Jensen turned around and leaned against the wall. He looked exhausted.

It was a good question even if Jared would never admit it. Maybe it was just the _unknown_. Maybe there were lingering things that Jared needed to work out. "Aren't you - don't you _ever_ think about us?"

"We are _not_ an _us_ ," Jensen said gruffly.

"Before. _Before_ we were a couple. Right?" Jared rubbed at the stubble on his cheek and tried to make sure his temper didn't get away from him.

After the longest time Jensen looked right into Jared's eyes. "Yeah, Jared. We _were_ a couple. Then you left and things changed for both of us."

"Do you know why I left?"

"Jared. Stop-"

" _Do_ you know why I left?" Now that Jared had begun to speak it was like floodgates had opened. He was so angry his blood was racing and it felt like his heart was going to fly right out of his chest.

There was a strange look on Jensen's face. "Yes. Are we done now?" Jensen pushed off the window and strode across the apartment.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm done for today." Jensen began throwing tools in his toolbox.

Jared walked over to stand behind Jensen. "We're talking."

"No," Jensen said in a low voice. "You're interrogating me. That's not part of my job description."

The lid slammed closed on the tool box and Jensen picked up a hammer and banged the lid back onto the can of stain with a mallet.

Following a strange urge Jared grabbed Jensen's arm and tugged him around so he had to make eye contact. He felt Jensen’s muscles tense but he didn't pull away.

"Jensen, what happened? Why didn't things work out for us?" Jared couldn't believe he was actually asking the question he'd been thinking about for so long.

"You left."

"Because you wouldn't let me in," Jared said softly.

"I-" Jensen pulled his arm free and bent to pick up his notebook. "I can't do this."

"Can't or won't?"

"Doesn't matter, Jared. I'm sure _Jeff_ will be here soon and you can ask him questions all night," Jensen said menacingly.

"Oh, fuck off." Jared spun and headed over to the kitchen island. He had no idea what he was going to do but he needed to put some distance between them before things got any worse.

"Don't speak to me like that," Jensen barked. "You're the one who won't let this go. You're like a dog with a bone."

Jared leaned on the island and let his head hang down. He was tired of trying to get through to Jensen. It got him nowhere at all except more and more frustrated. "Because I care about you."

The silence that followed was thick in the huge room. "Cared," Jared corrected.

"Well, it was clear you were done caring when you just disappeared in the middle of the night like a criminal."

"Wow." Jared turned to face Jensen. "You really think you're the center of the universe, don't you?" Jared was just about _done_ with trying to get anywhere. He was at the point where he no longer cared what Jensen did in the condo; Jared was going to ask Jeff if he could work from his house for the rest of the week.

"I don't credit myself with having that much importance." There was more silence and Jensen cleared his throat before speaking again. "I'll be out of here in a few minutes; just gotta clean up."

And, Jared thought, this is how it will end. He would go to Jeff’s, Jensen would finish up and they could probably avoid each other until one of them moved on. It could even be that Jared knew _less_ about Jensen than he ever had before.

The shelves were about two-thirds finished and looked great. It was bizarre. Finished shelves and lost sanity. Jared would have a permanent reminder of Jensen in his condo. It was all insane.

Jensen picked up his things and set them in a small pile on one of the shelves. He walked over to the island and tapped on the end of the counter casually. "I'll only be in your way for one more day and they'll be finished."

"Good luck with _whatever_ ," Jared said bitterly. He just couldn't help it.

"Stop. It doesn't suit you," Jensen said softly.

Jared thought about arguing but Jensen sounded pretty sincere. "What doesn't?"

"Being mean. You were never mean before," Jensen said.

It shouldn't have but _that_ made Jared feel even worse. He hadn't even thought that was possible. "I'm sorry."

"I know I deserve it," Jensen said. "But don't let that make you something you're not."

It felt like the most genuine thing that Jensen had said since they'd been reunited. Jared decided to take it at face value. "Okay."

Jensen stayed where he was; his eyes searched Jared's face as though he was looking for answers.

"What?" Jared asked.

"How come you're not with Jeff? I mean, you're single, right?" Jensen's hands clenched into fists and he pressed them to the counter.

At first, Jared considered biting off another bitter answer. But there was a sadness in Jensen's eyes that changed Jared's mind. "I - he's not my type. He's a good friend, though. He's put up with a lot. I was - well - since I met him when I first moved here he's helped me a lot.

"There's no one else?"

Jared knew what Jensen meant. "I just haven't found anyone who made me feel like ... made me feel _right_." It really wasn't the time for Jared to confess that all the men he had dated had to measure up to the way Jensen had made him feel.

Jensen stayed quiet but he made no move to leave.

"What about you?" Jared asked.

"Me?"

"You single?"

"Yeah," Jensen said. He lowered his gaze to the counter top and smoothed his hand across it.

"Why?" Jared knew he was pushing the limit by asking a second question.

"Why am I not seeing anyone?" Jensen's tongue wetted his lips and he glanced briefly at Jared before looking back down at the counter again.

"Yeah."

"It's complicated."

Jared sighed. "Okay."

"Jared, I just-" Jensen rubbed his hand across his mouth a few times. "It's the past, you know?"

For once, it was close to an answer but it wasn't nearly enough. All Jared knew was what he thought Jensen's answer might mean. "No, Jensen. I don't know. I've never known anything about you or anything that's happened to you."

"No good comes of dredging up the past. I really wish I'd been able to be different with you."

Jared nodded. "Me, too."

"I'd better go."

It was probably the closest thing to a real conversation Jared had ever had with jensen. He could feel the tickle of hope in his belly and he didn't like that it was going to be over too soon.

Jensen's face was drawn and a little pale. When he lifted his hands to step back Jared could see they were shaking.

"You could have told me anything," Jared offered.

But Jensen was shaking his head. "No, Jared. I couldn't. And I'm sorry about that." Jensen turned and walked slowly towards the door.

It was a few moments before Jared was in motion. He reached Jensen a few steps from the door and grabbed the man's arm. " _Please_ stay and talk?"

Jensen shook his head.

"It might be good for both of us, Jensen. Close some doors." Jared could feel the tension in Jensen's arm but he held on.

"Jared, no. I can't."

"Come on," Jared pleaded. "We could have a beer and just talk about some stuff."

"No!" Jensen pulled his arm free and headed for the door.

But Jared wasn't prepared to let Jensen off that easy. He was tired of hearing _no_. They had moved on to their own lives and Jensen still wanted to keep his secrets.

Jared slammed his palm against the door to keep it closed. "Just _tell_ me. Nothing can be that bad."

"Yes, it can. Let me go, Jared. I don't want to hurt you." Jensen took a step back as though he was too nervous about being close to Jared.

"No. Just this once. Tell me the truth. I won't - I won't make any judgements about it. Hell, if you want I won't say a damn thing."

"No.'

" _Jesus_. Jensen. Nothing is that bad-"

"You don't _know_ that!" Jensen yelled. His voice echoed around the condo before disappearing.

"Yes, I do. I still care about you, Jensen. I never stopped. I won't _stop_ caring about you because of something from the past." Jared's mind was spinning but he couldn't conceive of what Jensen would be so determined to hide.

"I don't deserve that." Jensen spoke so quietly that Jared almost missed it.

"That's not true." Taking another risk Jared closed the distance between them and slipped his hand around Jensen's neck. He rubbed his thumb through the soft curls of hair at the nape of Jensen's neck.

Jared could feel Jensen trembling. His muscles were as tight as though he was ready to fight. But Jared could also see the red flush that was creeping up Jensen's neck.

"Stay for just a little while," Jared said quietly. "We could have a beer and catch up."

"What the _fuck_ do you want from me?" Jensen yelled. He spun to face Jared and grabbed a handful of Jared's t-shirt. He shook Jared slightly and then let go.

Adrenaline raced through Jared's body but he stood his ground. There was more fear on Jensen's face than anger and Jared slid his hand up Jensen's chest until it was pressed over the man's heart. "I just wanna know who you are. Why is that so crazy? We were together a long time. I _loved_ you-"

Tears welled in Jensen's eyes and Jared was taken aback. He withdrew his hand and took a step back. He'd never seen Jensen cry. Not once. And he didn't even know what was so upsetting to him. It made Jared think that he might _never_ know.

"I was married, Jared. There. You satisfied?" Jensen rasped. "Her name is Danneel and we were high school _fucking_ sweethearts. The perfect couple. Only as time went by I realized what a _huge_ mistake I'd made with my life." Jensen went quiet and stood in front of Jared panting.

There was such a slew of emotion tearing into Jared that he could barely breathe. After all the build up; after years of not knowing, Jared felt no satisfaction. That was the one feeling he _didn't_ have.

"Okay," Jared said. Maybe it wasn't a good answer but it was the best he could do.

"Are you serious?" Jensen's eyes were wide, his cheeks ruddy and his mouth gaping.

"What?" A wife. He _was_ married. Jeff had been right. Jared wasn't sure if he should feel stupid or relieved.

"Okay? that's what you say after all of this?" Jensen shook his head and put his toolbox down. "What kind of a person is so fucked up that he can't even realize he's doing something _so_ wrong?"

Jared dragged a hand down his face and blew out a stale breath. "It happens, Jensen. We aren't all the same-"

"- I didn't want to hurt anyone." Jensen rubbed at his eyes for a few moments then his shoulders slumped. "She was my best friend."

A hint of jealousy grated on Jared and he looked down at the floor. He believed that Jensen hadn't wanted to hurt anyone but there were still so many gaps in Jensen's story.

"Stay, Jensen. Tell me about her?" Jared looked up and smiled slightly.

Jensen nodded.

-=-=-=-

The two men were quiet as they moved away from the door. Jared went to the refrigerator and grabbed two bottles of beer.

When he turned around Jensen was wandering towards the sectional. He looked like he didn't know what to do so Jared took the beer over to him. "Here."

Jensen took the bottle quickly and drank a few big gulps of it. He looked relieved to have something to do with his hands.

"Have a seat," Jared said. He sat down at the far end of the sectional so that he could give Jensen some space.

After a little while, Jensen sat down and shifted nervously. "This is weird."

Jared smiled and nodded. "A little. Not the weirdest thing I've ever done."

Even though he looked away Jensen was smiling. "I guess."

"You like being a carpenter?"

"You serious or are you just trying to get under my skin?" When Jensen looked over at Jared his gaze was fierce.

Having a normal conversation was going to be a lot more difficult than Jared had thought. "I'm being serious, Jensen. I just want us to talk."

For a _very_ long time Jensen just stared at Jared. He looked as though he was trying to figure out whether Jared was telling the truth. He _was_ but he guessed that he hadn't given Jensen a reason to believe that yet.

"I guess I'll have to take your word for it," Jensen said softly.

"Jensen? I just want to understand what happened. I mean. _Wow._ You were married." Jared hoped by prompting Jensen that the confessions would continue.

Jensen nodded again. "Danneel."

"High school sweethearts."

"Yeah. And everything was fine for a really long time. I'm not sure if I had just convinced myself that I wanted her - _God_ \- See why I can't tell you this?"

"What? No!" There was no way that Jared would let Jensen fall silent now that he had finally opened up a little.

"Because it just makes me sound like some kind of idiot. _Hell_ , that's being generous. How did this all happen?" Jensen's hands were grasping the bottle so tightly that his knuckles were white.

Confusion was taking hold of Jared again. "Wait. Okay. So you were married to a woman then-" Then he wasn't sure what happened.

Jensen turned his head so he could look at Jared. "Then I met you."

A shiver of fear ran through Jared's veins. He didn't want to be _that_ guy. "Jensen, I - if I'd known you were married I would never have..."

There were memories skittering through Jared's mind of all the times he'd been with Jensen. All those furtive glances when they'd been out in public. All the times Jensen had just disappeared before morning. _So_ many clues had just slipped past Jared so easily.

"I know, Jared. And that's what makes this so _shitty_. _I_ chose not to tell you because I knew that you would leave me. And then just when I was trying to put things right, you left me."

There was a rat's nest of emotion in Jared's chest. It was a little like being turned inside out. "Jensen, I can't even- wait, you were putting things right?"

Jensen nodded and blew a breath out through pursed lips. "About a week before the last night I saw you, I told Danneel that I was leaving her. I told her that I'd fallen in love with a man that I'd met." He fixed his gaze on Jared and shrugged.

"Me?" Jared wasn't entirely sure he thought it _was_ him. There was a possibility that he just wanted to hear Jensen _say_ it.

"You," Jensen agreed. "Probably from the first day I spoke to you. Felt like the first time I'd _really_ connected with someone. I can't even explain it in a way that does it justice. But that day, on that bench I felt happier than I ever had with Danneel."

The day was _so_ clear in Jared's memory. If he focused on it he could almost feel the sun on his face of smell the blossoms on the trees. And, yes, he could remember the way Jensen looked that day.

Jensen cleared his throat and Jared realized he hadn't said anything. "It was a good day, Jensen."

"And it changed everything for me. For some reason, that day, and that conversation made me realize that I wanted - that I-" Jensen's voice broke and he took a drink of beer.

"You wanted what?" Jared asked softly.

When Jensen lowered the bottle he smiled wistfully. "I wanted _you_."

At least Jared hadn't been completely delusional. Jensen _had_ cared for him; there had been a connection between them. "Then what happened?"

"Danneel was my best friend, I didn't know - I _couldn't_ hurt her. I would spend time with you and feel so alive and then I'd go home." Jensen sighed.

"Did she know?"

Jensen shook his head slowly. "She was always so happy to see me."

The guilt that Jensen carried was written all over his face. Honestly, Jared felt a little angry. He'd played a part in destroying the happiness of a complete stranger and it had been completely involuntary. "When did you tell her?"

"That last week you and I were together." Jensen set the beer bottle down on the coffee table and slumped back onto the plush pillows He looked exhausted.

"Before the night you scared the _shit_ out of me," Jared offered. He could, possibly, come to have a little sympathy for the way Jensen had been so confused but the way he’d shoved Jared away had sealed the fate of their relationship.

"I was a lawyer, Jared. I had the perfect wife. Her family felt like _my_ family. _Fuck_ if anyone had seen me with you ... touching you..." Jensen shook his head slightly and then let it fall back against the couch.

"That was the night I decided I was finished. It was just one of those things I'd always thought I wouldn't accept, you know?" The shove had been minor physically but mentally it had slammed Jared.

"I'm sorry,” Jensen said weakly. "I know that probably doesn't mean anything to you but it's true. I was so wound up. I was terrified that everything would fall apart. Everything inside me was telling me to run but I couldn't."

"Why not?" There were so many questions in Jared's head. But, he knew that it would take time to get answers. He wasn't sure how much time Jensen would give him.

"You? Dani? My job. I was so...so _embedded_ in my life. I didn't even know how to _begin_ to pull myself out.”

Knowing that Jensen had stayed, in part, because of Jared made him a little sad. There had been so much going on in Jensen's life and he hadn't shared any of it.

"When you told her - told Danneel. Was she okay?" Jared asked.

Jensen laughed darkly. "The first thing she did was slap me. Then she screamed at me for a while. Then she just started crying and, after that, it was silent and heartbreaking. When I went out with you later all i could think about what the look on Dani's face. I committed the _ultimate_ betrayal."

"Jensen how did you not _know_ before you married her?" As far back as Jared could remember he had known that he was gay. It had never been a complicated decision for him. It was just who he was.

"I've asked myself that so many times. I think I just didn't know anything else. We came from a small town and she was _the_ girl. I was on the football team. I studied hard and I studied harder when she got accepted to her Mom's alma mater. And ... I couldn't have worked at the firm. Our friends, _God_ we had so many friends because of her."

Jared remained silent and waited to see if Jensen would offer any more information.

"I guess, deep inside I must have been aware of something. But I wasn't _un_ happy with Dani then. She's a great woman."

"So why go looking for someone else?" Jared felt an unfamiliar spark of jealousy when Jensen spoke about his wife. It might all be in the past but it still felt strange to be hearing about it so late.

"It wasn't like that," Jensen said firmly. "I wasn't out looking. I just saw you and there was something about you. I'd never seen anyone who looked quite the way you did. And speaking to you was so easy." There was a gentle smile on Jensen's face and it made warmth blossom on Jared's cheeks.

"But why keep going on with it?" Ever since Jensen had mentioned being married Jared had wanted to know why he'd continued to see Jared after they met.

"Selfish? Deluded?" Jensen shook his head. His brow was furrowed and he rubbed at the stubble on his chin.

"I can't say I understand, but thanks for being so honest."

"That's why I didn't say anything when we were together. I mean, how would you have reacted?"

It was a good question but Jared wasn't sure he knew the answer. "I don't know, Jensen. I was in love with you. If you'd loved me back I'm not sure what I would have done."

"If?" Jensen said quickly. "I've never _stopped_ loving you. I just lost you."

Just as Jared's heart felt like it would stop beating the door to the condo swung open and Jeff appeared with a huge pizza box. "Thought you might like dinner and company after another day incarcerated here with - oh."

Jensen stood so quickly he bumped the coffee table and almost knocked his beer bottle over.

"This is a new development," Jeff said when he looked over at where Jared and Jensen were.

"I was just leaving," Jensen said.

"No, stay. It's alright," Jared said. He reached out and caught Jensen's arm. But Jensen really didn't stop moving; he stumbled slightly and headed towards the door.

"I can go. I didn't know I was interrupting something," Jeff said weakly. He looked a little embarrassed and shifted his weight.

"No, it's okay." Jensen swept past Jeff and yanked the door open.

"Jensen!" Jared called out.

"I'll see you later," Jensen said quickly before closing the door behind him.

"I'm _so_ sorry," Jeff said as soon as the band of the door had faded.

But, there was no reason for Jeff to apologize. Jensen had obviously been waiting for an opportunity to leave.

"It's all good. he bailed pretty quick. I don't think he was very comfortable."

Jeff slid the pizza box onto the counter and shrugged. "You gonna tell me what was goin' on?"

Jared flopped back down onto the sectional. "Do you miss the days when you used to show up and nothing weird had happened?"

"Oh, I don't know." Jeff grinned. "You're certainly keeping me entertained. You're better than Netflix."

"Glad to be of service," Jared muttered as he picked up Jensen's beer and drained it.

-=-=-=-

It took a while for Jared to explain to Jeff what had happened. It wasn't that it was too complex but Jared wasn't even sure _he_ understood it all.

Even though he had been trying to get Jensen to talk he'd been pretty surprised when it had actually happened.

Judging by Jensen's hasty exit though, he hadn't been all that comfortable. Part of Jared wished that Jeff hadn't shown up but then he had no idea what might have happened. Jensen might have fled regardless of interruptions.

"I don't know, Jared," Jeff began. "Maybe it's just as well things ended where they did tonight."

Jared pushed the pizza box over so he could put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Maybe," Jared answered.

"What you gonna do?"

"Wait? See what happens?"

"And if something happens?" Jeff looked a little worried.

"I honestly don't know. There was _so_ much wrong, you know? I don't know how I forget about that." It felt _way_ too soon to be talking about anything _happening_. Jensen had seemed pretty broken to Jared. However Jensen had gotten so tangled up inside it looked as though it would be a long road back.

"You have a strange life, Padalecki."

"You're telling me.”

-=-=-=-

Jared wasn't an idiot. At least, that's what he kept telling himself. He hadn't expected Jensen to show up at his door the morning after their failed conversation. A day had passed and Jared thought that it was perfectly normal for that amount of time to go by without contact. When a second day passed with no sign of Jensen it still seemed like something Jensen might do. The third day was a little harder to take.

The bookshelves were almost completed. The very top shelves weren't stained and every time Jared looked at them he was reminded of the time passing by.

By the time the weekend arrived Jared wasn't sure whether he should be angry or relieved. He couldn't fault Jensen for anything. After all, it had been Jared who left the first time. That might have been exactly what Jensen had done.

For the better part of an hour Friday night Jared texted back and forth with Jeff. Jeff was at the hospital and texted when he could snag a moment.

They talked about irrelevant things. They talked about whether or not it would snow, what they could do on the long weekend, if Jared had swiped one of Jeff's old t-shirts. He had swiped the t-shirt but he lied anyway.

Jared knew that his friend was probably just trying to distract him. He loved Jeff for being the kind of friend who would even try.

The unfortunate thing was that all the texting in the world couldn't make Jared forget about Jensen.

Jared had hoped wine might work as a distraction for him but _that_ hadn't worked either. He felt a little lightheaded and was having more trouble than usual focusing on the tiny letters appearing on the screen of his phone but that was it.

There was an old movie on the TV, although Jared had the sound turned down. The film starred Katharine Hepburn and Jared had always loved Hepburn. She reminded him of his grandmother. The black and white film made the room look huge and empty and that just made Jared feel worse about things.

"What the _hell_ am I doing?" Jared asked the empty condo. One short conversation and he was all caught up again. Nothing had really changed. All Jared had were a few more facts.

Jared didn't know what to make of Jensen's past. It explained some of Jensen's behavior - to a certain degree. But Jared couldn't imagine living some kind of false life. He couldn't imagine it because he hadn't spent his life pretending to be someone he wasn't. It was funny how some truths could lead to even more questions.

The night was slipping away and Jared was cold. He'd opened the windows earlier to air the place out but the sun had taken all the warmth with it when it sank below the horizon. The thin old t-shirt that he was wearing wasn't nearly warm enough.

There was a tentative knock at the door and Jared rolled his eyes. "Jeff. You've always just busted in before," he called out.

With a smile on his face Jared headed over to the door and pulled it open. "Did you get off work early- oh." He was shocked to see Jensen standing there.

Jensen's smiled appeared then disappeared quickly and he licked his lips. He looked nervous. "Hey."

Confused and still a little shocked Jared glanced over at the bookshelves. "Did you forget something? I didn't see anything."

"No. I - I came up to see you."

Jared's head whipped back towards Jensen. "Oh."

"If that's okay. I mean-"

"-No. I mean yes. It's fine-"

"-I can come back at another-"

"Jensen. It's okay. Come in." Jared's head was spinning and he wasn't sure if it was Jensen or the wine.

As he pushed the door open he noticed how different Jensen looked. Instead of his work clothes Jensen was wearing dark jeans and a soft cotton t-shirt that was a mossy green colour. He was wearing the black boots Jared had always loved. It seems surreal that one simple thing like boots could be the same when so much had changed.

It took a couple of deep breaths for Jared to settle himself and then he closed the door and leaned back against it.

Jensen was standing a few feet away looking really uncomfortable. Jared was just beginning to think Jensen had made a mistake and ended up in the wrong condo when the man finally spoke.

"I - I wanted to talk. Some more," Jensen said. He folded his arms across his chest and took a deep breath as though he'd run out of air.

"Okay," Jared said. "You want to sit or you want to stay by the door in case you feel the need to bolt?" Maybe it was a little mean but Jensen did have a nasty habit of bolting at inconvenient times. There was also the wine.

"I can accept your barb. And I choose the couch." Jensen smiled slightly and smoothed his hand down the front of his t-shirt before walking over to the sectional.

He sat down without waiting for Jared and drummed his fingers nervously.

"Do you want a drink?" Jared asked as he passed by the kitchen.

"Water?"

It was probably a good idea. Jared grabbed a bottle of water and a Diet Coke then headed over to sit in the chair opposite Jensen. When he leaned forward to set the drinks down he could see how tense Jensen was.

"Thanks." Jensen picked up the bottle of water, opened it and downed half the bottle.

The two men were silent for a little while. Jensen looked a bit lost in his thoughts and Jared wasn't sure if he should interrupt. 

When Jensen's eyes focused on Jared's face, they both smiled "You must be surprised I'm here," Jensen said.

"Well, I wasn't sure that I would see you again after the way you left."

"I'm sorry about that." When Jensen looked down at the water bottle he was holding, he sighed. "Jeff surprised me. I didn't know what to do so I left. Maybe not the best move."

"It's okay," Jared said. "It was all happening pretty fast anyway." As much as Jared would have liked to have known more details about Jensen's past life, he hadn't wanted to drag the man through unpleasant memories.

Jensen nodded and smiled slightly. "I hadn't planned on it happening that way."

"Did you want me to know at all?"

At first, Jensen looked a little puzzled. After a while his brow smoothed and he stared straight into Jared's eyes. "I did want to tell you. I just figured it would have happened a long time ago under different circumstances."

"If I hadn't moved?" Jared hoped he didn't sound like he felt as guilty as he _did_ feel.

"Yeah. Was it because I shoved you that night?" Jensen averted his gaze again.

It had never really occurred to Jared that Jensen might not have been aware of the many reasons for leaving. "That was just the last straw. It was the way that you were so closed off. I didn't know anything about you."

"I didn't think it would matter, for some reason. Crazy, I know. I don't know why I thought that; I think it's what I wanted to believe." Jensen set the water bottle down and threaded his fingers together.

"At first, it didn't matter as much. But I think it's all part of being in love. I wanted to know everything about you. And there was nothing." It had felt terrible to Jared once he'd realized that Jensen was hiding _so_ much of his life. There had been so many times when Jared had tried to ask simple questions and Jensen had expertly dodged around answering.

"I'm sorry," Jensen said quietly. "It ate at me back then. I felt guilty about cheating on Danneel and I felt guilty about hiding so much from you."

"Lying?" A little of Jared's deeply simmering anger got out now and again.

"I suppose. When I was doing it I managed to convince myself that it wasn't lying - that I was just _not_ telling you things." Jensen's hands tightened then he pulled them apart and rubbed them on his jeans.

Jared couldn't help being a little pleased that Jensen recognized what he'd done. It was a point in the man's favor the he didn't seem to be trying to sugar-coat his past behavior.

"I don't expect you to forgive me or anything," Jensen continued. "I get it."

Now, _that_ was something that Jensen was very wrong about. "Jensen, I forgave you a very long time ago. I just wanted to put everything behind me and start over."

The air in the room was still cold and Jared shivered. He rubbed at the goosebumps on his arms and stood. "I'm just gonna close the windows."

Before Jared could move, Jensen stood and made his way to the far windows. The two of them worked quickly to crank the windows closed and finally met in the middle.

They stood facing each other and Jared shivered again. "Was warmer earlier," he murmured.

"Cools down fast here," Jensen said. He stepped forward and rubbed his hands up and down Jared's bare arms.

For a few heartbeats Jared was just startled then the heat of Jensen's palms began to warm up Jared's skin.

While Jensen was looking down, Jared took a few moments to study Jensen's face. He didn't look any different, really. Subtle freckles were still scattered all over Jensen's face. Stubble was already present and Jared remembered Jensen joking that he had a five o'clock shadow an hour after he shaved.

Hardly a minute passed as Jensen warmed Jared's skin but something dangerous began to reawaken in Jared's chest. He stepped back quickly and smiled nervously. "I'm gonna go get a hoodie."

As Jared walked over to his dresser he took advantage of the reprieve to compose himself. He tried to convince himself that having _feelings_ when Jensen was touching him was perfectly normal and didn't really mean anything in the long run.

Once he'd pulled a hoodie down over his head, Jared ran his hands through his hair. When he turned around Jensen was sitting again and Jared was a little relieved.

"Everything okay?" Jensen asked as Jared sat back down.

"Yeah. 'Course. Just cold."

Jensen's eyebrows rose slightly but he nodded. "I always remember you being hot all the time."

It was true. Generally, Jared was overheated but it was cold outside and his emotions were all over the place. The wine may not have helped.

"So what now?" Jared asked as lightly as he could manage.

Jensen laughed and sank back into the couch. "Your guess is as good as mine. This feels better though, yeah?"

"It does," Jared agreed without even having to think about it.

"I would like to tell you one thing, though." Jensen's voice wavered slightly.

"Okay."

"If you had stayed. If - I know one thing," Jensen said quietly. "I would _never_ have left you. Jared, I was _so_ in love with you. I don't even think I knew how much until you were gone."

Jared opened his mouth to speak but Jensen held up his hand for Jared to stay quiet.

"I think that's why I made such a colossal mess of everything. I was so desperate not to lose you." Jensen was silent for a few moments then his eyes were glassy with tears.

The natural thing was for Jared to reach out but the look on Jensen's face stopped him.

Jensen was hurt and looked as though he was only _just_ managing to maintain his composure. Jared knew that feeling.

"Jensen? It's okay-"

"No, Jared. It's not okay. Nothing I did was okay. I handled it all _so_ badly and I had to live with that."

All the words were getting into Jared's mind but he hadn't the slightest idea what to do or say. There was a lot of truth to what Jensen was saying but Jared couldn't see the point in suffering forever. It was in the past.

Jensen pressed his thumb and forefinger against his eyes and cleared his throat. "I didn't mean - I don't think I expected to say all that."

"I'm glad you did," Jared said quickly. If nothing else, he didn't want Jensen to think that opening up was a bad idea.

But, the strange thing was that Jared felt a little lost. The man sitting across from him was the man he'd fallen in love with and, at the same time, the man who had hurt him more than anyone else ever had.

"That's why I told you," Jensen said in an almost-whisper.

"All of this?"

Jensen shook his head. "No. That's why I told you the other night that I never stopped loving you. It's the truth."

The intensity in Jensen's gaze was a little overpowering. But, Jared had almost managed to convince himself that he hadn't heard those words. He hadn't _wanted_ to think about it because it forced his hand. He _had_ to answer now that it had been made clear. He had to come up with some way to respond. "Jensen. I-"

"-It's alright, Jared. You don't have to say anything. I know how you must feel. But I owe you the truth. If, one day, you and I can be friends again it has to start with the truth, right?"

All Jared could do was nod. His throat felt tight and dry and he reached for his soda. The cool liquid felt good on Jared's throat. There were so many thoughts going through his mind but Jared had no idea what to do. He'd be a liar if he said his heart hadn't jumped when Jensen had said he was _still_ in love.

It wasn't simply that Jensen had never said the words when they were together. Hearing Jensen say that he still loved Jared awakened something inside Jared that he really wasn't prepared to deal with.

Jared took another drink then sat the bottle back down on the coffee table.. "I - I didn't leave because I hated you, Jensen."

"I know," Jensen said a little too quickly.

"I loved you _too_ much. That's why it hurt so badly that I didn't know anything about you." It was the only truth that Jared had to offer; the only one he was certain of anyway.

The smile on Jensen's face was a little crooked as he looked over at Jared. He shrugged a shoulder and looked down at his hands. "I guess that's it then."

"That's it?"

"Well. That's all I wanted to tell you, really. I know that's just the abridged version but-" Jensen shrugged.

Jared's heart was thumping a bit wildly in his chest and he felt a little short of breath. It felt really important that they keep talking because everything felt so good. It felt like all the words they hadn't managed to say the first time they were together had started to leak out. He didn’t want to miss any of them.

"It doesn't have to be _it_. We could just talk about. About ordinary stuff," Jared said.

"Yeah?" Jensen's smile warmed and tiny crow's feet appeared at the corners of his eyes.

Jared liked it. "Yeah. Tell me about the carpentry."

For a few moments Jensen just stared at Jared then he grinned and got comfortable.

-=-=-=-

"And you _just_ talked?" Jeff asked as he sank down onto Jared's sectional.

"Have you sold your house?" Jared deadpanned.

"What?" Jeff towed off his boots then stretched his legs out on the couch.

After he kicked Jeff's boots out of the way, Jared sat down. "You're here so often I figured you got rid of your own place."

"Very funny," Jeff said. "I told you before: entertainment value."

"You could pay me rent."

Jeff stroked his beard as he peered over at jared. "So there was no touching? Just smiling and talking?"

"No touching," Jared finally answered. Okay, there had been the arm rubbing that had made Jared flee to get a hoodie but that didn't count. He knew that Jeff wouldn’t give up until he found out as many details as possible and Jared needed a sounding board.

"Do I have to beg?"

"Do you ever?" Jared asked. The familiarity he had with Jeff was something the he cherished.  
He'd always thought he would have a relationship that was comfortable in the same way. Sadly, he was beginning to wonder if it were possible.

The friendship he had with Jeff was comfortable, sweet, familiar and Jared would never want to be without it.

Things with Jensen had been almost the exact opposite. It was exciting and passionate and even though it tormented him, Jared was drawn to the mystery of his ex-lover. The only thing was that it didn't last.

" _Jesus_ , Jared. You daydream more than anyone i know." Jeff smiled.

"I never expected this."

"Jensen being back in your life?"

"Yeah. I invested all that time in moving _past_ what happened and here he is. At first, it seemed like nothing had changed but now..."

"Now," Jeff took over. "You are seeing a different side of him? More?"

All Jared could muster was a slight nod.

"I guess the question, my dear Jared, is how much are you willing to forgive?" Jeff's smile had faded a little but he still looked genuinely caring.

"If I thought I could have what I wanted? Everything. I'd forgive everything." The answer to that question hadn't even existed until the moment Jared opened his mouth to answer it. Things could get much more honest than that.

"Then you gotta talk to Jensen and find out exactly what's on the table."

Jared nodded reluctantly. It seemed as though Jared and Jensen would be having yet another uncomfortable conversation.

-=-=-=-


	3. Chapter 3

Jared decided to let Jensen have the home court advantage for their next conversation. He remembered, at some point, being told that Jensen lived on the main floor of the warehouse. It wasn’t that tricky to find the place.

The ground floor had only one suite and it was unnumbered. Jared figured that it had to be Jensen’s. He took a deep breath, rolled his shoulders and knocked on the door.

Only a few seconds passed before Jared heard footsteps on the other side of the door. It sounded like a lock was undone and then the door opened enough for Jensen’s face to appear. “Jared?”

“Hi. I hope I’m not disturbing you.” Jared smiled.

The door swung open the rest of the way and Jensen scratched at his cheek. “Is something wrong? I’ll be up to finish the shelves on Monday. If that’s alright?”

“What? Yeah. I mean – that’s not why I came down here.” Jared smiled a little wider and pressed his lips together as he thought carefully about what to say. “Let’s start over. I just came down because I wanted to talk to you.”

Concern flickered across Jensen’s face but he stepped out of the way and gestured for Jared to enter.

The condo wasn't at all what Jared expected. It was a bit smaller than his own. But, it was really homey and comfortable looking. There was a huge steel-blue couch and matching armchair in the center of the room. 

One entire wall was covered with shelves. There were all kinds of things on display: photos, small sculptures, books, dried flowers. Jared could spend hours looking at everything.

“Wait,” Jared said. “You have a living room. Separate from-“ Jared waved his hand towards what appeared to be a hallway.

The sound of Jensen’s laughter was low and sweet. It was familiar and so was the warmth that began circling through Jared’s veins.

As Jensen walked towards the center of the living room he looked around him. “When I got the job I bought this place and then I framed it myself to turn it into a more traditional place. It doesn’t have the high ceilings of the other floors so I thought it fit better.”

“That’s so great,” Jared said as he looked around in awe. It was like being in a completely different building.

Looking quite pleased with himself, Jensen gestured for Jared to follow him. They moved down the hallway and Jensen headed into a room on the right. It was a medium-sized kitchen with tons of counters and cupboard space. Over to the side there was a butcher’s block and Jared began to clue in. “Did you make all this stuff?”

Jensen looked almost shy when he glanced over at Jared. “The table and chairs in the other room, the butcher’s block. I made the cabinets too but I need a bit more practice at that.”

“They’re beautiful.” Jared walked past the table and trailed his fingers along the smooth surface. “Really beautiful.”

“Thanks.” Jensen’s cheeks were a little rosy and he was still smiling. “Come to the bedroom.”

Jared shot a glance over his shoulder. “What?”

“I – the bed frame. It’s the one thing I’m most proud of.” Jensen didn’t wait; he headed out of the kitchen and Jared followed along.

The bedroom was a dark shade of grey with rich, red accents. The floor was dark hardwood and there was a huge Shaker-style king size bed. The woodwork was amazing.

“Wow.” There were probably more appropriate words but Jared was a little stunned.

“Thanks,” Jensen said softly.

Jared glanced over at him. “I can’t believe you learned how to do all this since I last saw you. I mean I can but-“ Jared shrugged.

“I was pretty focused. After Danneel and I split and I resigned there was nothing else in my life.”

Jared dropped his gaze to the floor and he sighed. He had wondered about Jensen being a lawyer. He’d assumed that something must have happened with the firm, but at least it sounded like it was Jensen’s choice. He couldn’t help feeling saddened that Jensen had lost everything from his past. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Jensen asked. “You just took care of yourself. If I had done more of that things could have been very different for us." Jensen's eyes widened then he shoved his hands into the pockets of his means. "For me, I mean.

"It was just the way things went. It's in the past." Jared took a step towards Jensen then stopped when Jensen turned away.

"Anyway, that's the tour. Bathroom is across the hall but it's not as flashy as yours. We should-" Jensen pointed towards the door and waited.

For a split second Jared thought he had done something wrong. But the sadness still lingering on Jensen's face seemed to point to something else.

Instead of trying to get Jensen to tell him what was going on, Jared nodded and headed back down the hall towards the living room.

"You want a coffee?" Jensen seemed a little skittish. But then h e must have been wondering why Jared had shown up.

"Sure, mind if I sit down?"

"Make yourself at home." Jensen disappeared into the kitchen and Jared heard a cupboard door bang closed.

Jared hadn't been settled on the couch for long before he realized he hadn't told Jensen how he wanted his coffee. "Hey! Two creams and-"

"-Too much sugar," Jensen finished as he returned with two mugs. "I remember."

More of the warmth spiralled through Jared's body and he reminded himself how much things had changed.

"Thanks." Jared took the mug from Jensen and wrapped both hands around it. The spicy coffee scent wafted up to Jared's nose and he breathed deeply. "Smells good."

"It's a local roast. I can take you - well, there's a coffee shop about half a mile from here. By the gallery. You can probably find it." While he had been speaking Jensen had looked at the couch and then the chair. He didn't seem to know where to sit. Finally, he sank down onto the couch beside Jared.

The coffee was a little too hot to drink but Jared took a sip anyway. "Ouch."

"Yeah. It's hot," Jensen said. After a moment he looked like he was trying hard not to smile.

"Burned my tongue," Jared muttered.

Jensen laughed. Twice in such a short time. Jared chuckled and set his coffee down on the wooden coffee table in front of him. "I suppose you made this, too."

"Yup."

"I'm beginning to feel creatively inferior," Jared joked.

"You showed me what you do. That's pretty talented. I can't even work my phone properly half the time. You make that computer sing."

Jared couldn't help feeling a little bit proud. He'd done exactly the same as Jensen really. When he'd moved away to school Jared had focused on nothing but his education.

"So," Jensen said. "You wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Not really _about_ anything," Jared answered. "I guess I just wanted ... I wanted to spend some time with you. Here. Well, talking." The heat of a blush was working its way up Jared's chest and neck and he ran his finger along the collar of his t-shirt.

"Yeah?" There was a smile on Jensen's face again.

Jared shrugged the shoulder closest to Jensen. He didn't trust himself to say much more.

"I like that," Jensen said gruffly. "What's up?"

"Well, I was talking to Jeff about you," Jared said hesitantly.

"That can't be good," Jensen interjected.

"C'mon. Jeff's a great guy. He's been nothing but supportive about you and me even after the way ..."

"The way ... what?"

"I mentioned it before, I think. Things were pretty rough for me when I first met him." Jared hadn't actually planned on talking about himself.

They were both silent for a while and Jared sucked in a couple of deep breaths.

Jensen reached over and covered Jared's hand. "I wish you had stayed. I could have. I would have helped if you needed me. I know it seems stupid to say that given I was the reason you were unhappy."

Jared had to close his eyes for a while to get his equilibrium back. The heat of Jensen's palm was scalding hot against Jared's skin. And those words. Wow.

"Hey." Jensen tugged on Jared's hand gently.

When Jared looked up it was to find a warm smile on Jensen's face. "I didn't think you'd mind." Jensen held up their hands for a few seconds.

Jensen's eyes were wide, his lashes long and dark. He squeezed Jared's hand again.

 _Touching_. Touching was something Jared wasn't prepared for. It was a touch he had felt so many times when he'd been with Jensen. But this time was different. He knew _so_ much more about Jensen and that was messing with Jared's emotions. He didn't want to pull away but he wasn't sure how long he could handle the contact. "Can I be honest with you?"

Furrows appeared in Jensen's brow and he squeezed Jared's hand gently. "Of course you can. Always."

"This is hard," Jared said quickly before he lost his courage. "Touching you; it brings back all these memories and emotions and I'm not sure what I should do."

Surprisingly, Jensen didn't let go of Jared's hand. "It's the same for me, Jared. Just seeing you again has done that. That first time? In your condo? I thought I had it all together and it wouldn't be a problem. And _then_ I saw you."

Unconsciously, Jared leaned in closer because Jensen's voice was so quiet. He could see the little dark flecks in Jensen's eyes and the single freckle on the man's bottom lip. Jared had to close his eyes again.

"Is it bad?" Jensen asked as his thumb rubbed back and forth over the back of Jared's hand.

 _Bad?_ _Jesus_. The feelings Jared was drowning in were anything _but_ bad and that was the problem. "You _hurt_ me."

"And I'm sorry. You know that, right?" Jensen's voice wavered slightly.

Before he even thought about it, Jared was nodding. He didn't doubt that Jensen had a lot of regrets. The mistakes and the poor choices Jensen had made were in the past but Jared just wasn't sure he could risk going through anything like it again.

When Jared opened his eyes Jensen was only a few inches away. "Jensen? Can I see a photo of Danneel?"

At first, Jensen looked a little puzzled. He lifted his head and smiled sadly. "Sure. Come here."

When Jensen stood he pulled Jared up to his feet then headed over to the wall of shelves. He pointed to the shelf that was in the middle of the widest bookcase.

Danneel was beautiful. Her hair was long and glossy - almost a dark mahogany color. Brown eyes were bright and full of life. In the photos she was smiling and holding up a starfish in front of a sparkling blue ocean.

"We were on holiday in Mexico in that photo." Jensen pressed his lips together and held Jared's hand a little tighter. "It's my favorite photo of her. She was _so_ happy to get me away from work."

The story made Jared smile and he reached out to run his finger down one side of the silver frame.

Another photo caught Jared's eye. It was a photo of Jared sitting in a café. His hands were clasped around a cup of coffee and his head was thrown back as he laughed. "I don't remember you taking that."

"Was on my phone. You were laughing at some stupid story I told you," Jensen said. "I can't even remember what I said but when I looked at that photo, well, anyway. It's the only photo of you I have."

"I never even had one of you." Jared hadn't expected to see a photo of himself in Jensen's home.

"Two of my favorite people," Jensen said. he let out a long sigh and smiled.

Jared eased his hand out of Jensen's grasp so he could slide their palms together and weave his fingers through Jensen's. As he tightened his hold on Jensen's hand, Jared could feel Jensen turning towards him.

"Jared?"

Afraid to look away from the photo, Jared just nodded. "Yeah?"

"What's going on here?"

"I ... don't really know."

"I don't - I can't lose you all over again, so _please_. Don't do - don't offer something that you're not sure of."

Finally, Jared turned slightly so he was facing Jensen. "I'm not sure of anything."

"Being friends," Jensen began. "That's more than I ever thought would happen again and I don't want to lose that."

Jared nodded once and realized he could feel Jensen trembling. He really didn't want to do anything that would hurt either of them. "Are you okay?"

Jensen nodded but it wasn't very convincing because the trembling continued.

The fear made sense to Jared. He had no idea what to do but he was determined that he wasn't going to just run away. That hadn't proved too helpful for either of them. But Jared felt pretty stuck. There was a lot that he _still_ felt for Jensen but there was still so much he didn't know. It was a little more than terrifying.

Jensen was chewing on his bottom lip and staring up at Jared as though he was waiting for something to happen.

"Is that what you want, Jensen? To be my friend?"

Jensen looked a little taken aback by the question but he didn't pull away. If anything,his fingers tightened over Jared's. He stayed silent - looking as though he was trying to work out what to say.

"Jensen? Is that what you want?" Jared needed an answer before anything further could happen. In part, he needed to know that Jensen was clear about his own thoughts and feelings.

"I - how do I answer that without you getting pissed off at me? Do I _want_ to be your friend? Yes and no. If that's all you're prepared to give me then ... yes. I want it. Of course I do."

"But?" A _but_ was clear in what Jensen hadn't said.

"I don't know." Jensen ran his hand back and forth over his hair and he sighed.

"That's not really an answer," Jared said. He was beginning to feel a little disappointed that Jensen still didn't seem to know what he wanted.

Jared tried to pull his fingers free from Jensen's grip but he couldn't.

"Don't you do that," Jensen said sharply. "Don't pull away from me. What kind of answer do you want?" Jensen closed in on Jared, crowding into his space.

"I don't need a _certain_ kind of answer," Jared said quickly. "I just wanted you to tell me the truth."

"I _did_ tell you the truth." Jensen stepped forward again and Jared's back pressed up against the shelves.

"Jensen-"

"You want to know if I want you back? You want to know if I'll be happy being _just_ friends?" Jensen's body pressed up against Jared's.

"Jensen, stop. You don't have to tell me." Being so close to Jensen was overwhelming. Jared could smell the scent of Jensen's hair and feel the heat of his breath. It lit a fire in the pit of his stomach and Jared reached out with his free hand to grip the bookshelf.

"If all I can be is your friend, that is _absolutely_ alright, Jared. Is it all I want? No. If I could make anything happen I would want back what we had before - only better. You'd have to deal with all of me; the good, bad, the truth. So, please, Jared. Don't come down here and hold my hand and make me answer questions."

Jensen was panting and once he had finished he leaned in and rested his cheek against Jared's.

There wasn't a single part of Jared's body that wasn't shaking. Everything was _Jensen_. he could feel Jensen's weight trapping him there. Stubble rasped against Jared's cheek and the heat of Jensen's breath brushed the sensitive hairs on Jared's neck. He still held Jensen's hand tightly even though he was a little overwhelmed.

"I still _love_ you," Jensen whispered against Jared's ear.

The words took Jared out at the knees. Or, maybe it was the heat of breath into his ear sending a shockwave through his body.

"Jensen, I-"

Pulling back enough to stare into Jared's eyes, Jensen smiled sadly. "You don't need to say anything. Just think about it."

"I've been thinking about nothing _but_ you for a very long time, Jensen." It had gone on for far longer than Jared wanted to admit. His feelings for Jensen had begun _so_ intensely it was something that he knew would be with him his whole life.

Jensen's lips brushed the peak of Jared's cheekbone so lightly it was almost imperceptible. Jared turned quickly and found himself face to face with the man he had fallen in love with so long ago.

The noses brushed, Jensen's breath was hot on Jared's lips and Jared felt like his heart was going to pound its way right out of his ribcage. It was frightening and inviting all at the same time.

It was Jared who closed the gap between their lips. He only had to lean forward slightly and he caught Jensen's full, bottom lip between his own.

The fire in Jared's belly raced out of control as Jensen parted his lips and slid his mouth against Jared's.

Their bodies hadn't lost the memory of how easily they fit together. Jensen's hand slid up Jared's side and curled around his bicep. He dug his fingers into the muscle and Jared's breath left his body in a gasp.

When Jared managed to let go of the bookshelf he reached up and wrapped his hand around the back of Jensen's neck. Jensen let out a low sound and he nipped at Jared's lips.

Something behind Jared fell over and he froze. He was relieved when Jensen smiled against his mouth.

"You wreckin' my place, Jared?"

Jared laughed a little and pressed his forehead to Jensen's. "You gonna wreck my life again?"

Even though Jared had meant it as a joke, Jensen pulled back slightly. "I'm thinking of spending as much time as you'll allow making it all up to you, making sure you're _really_ happy."

All of Jared felt like he was overheated. There was sweat beading on his brow. He was about ninety-nine per cent sure he wasn't making a mistake and the heat of the kiss had made him not care about the other one per cent. There was still so much between them and Jensen was different and, more important than anything else, he was _present_. That was something completely new.

"We need to take things slow," Jensen murmured.

"We do? Right. We do." Jared smiled and let his hand slide forward until he could grasp Jensen's shoulder. "You - we should hang out together. Do normal things some nights-"

"- Sure -"

"-with Jeff." Jared grinned.

"You're kidding me, right?" Jensen pried his fingers loose from Jared's so he could smooth Jared's t-shirt down.

Admittedly, It felt good. Even through his t-shirt Jared could feel the heat of Jensen's palm. But Jared wasn't going to be distracted. "Jensen? It's important to me. Jeff's my best friend and things didn't go so well the last time you met one of my friends."

"Fair enough," Jensen said after a moment. "Will you protect me?"

Jared shook his head and laughed. "You never needed me for that."

"Maybe not for that but I needed you." Jensen's smile faded a little but his hand gripped Jared's shirt. "You _sure_ about this?"

Jensen's eyes were _so_ green that Jared felt a little like they were pools that could just swallow him up. "I'm sure."

Jared could see the tension drain from Jensen's shoulders and then his smile grew. "Good," he said softly. "Good."

-=-=-=-

The pizza boxes were open in the middle of Jared's dining table but no one was eating. The night wasn't going _too_ well but no one was throwing punches so Jared figured it could always get worse.

"C'mon guys. Eat it before it gets cold." To get things started, Jared took a couple of slices from the closest box and slid them onto his plate.

"Okay," Jensen said. He sounded a little nervous. He held up his plate and put a slice of pizza on it. "You want a beer, Jared?"

"Sure."

"Jeff?" Jensen asked as he headed towards the fridge.

"I know where the beer is," Jeff muttered.

" _O_ kay." Jensen headed over to the fridge and pulled the door open.

Jared took that moment to kick Jeff under the table. When Jeff looked up, Jared glared at him.

"What?" Jeff mouthed silently.

Jared just rolled his eyes and hoped that things would simmer down. He had to admit that he wasn't sure exactly what it would take for Jeff and Jensen to bury the hatchet.

When Jensen returned to the table he had three beers. He set one in front of Jared then stepped over to hand one to Jeff. Of course, Jeff didn't take it so Jensen gave up and set it down near Jeff's plate.

He sighed when he sat down and swallowed a couple of mouthfuls of his own beer. "How's the coffee I picked up for you?"

Relieved that Jensen was still trying to be social, Jared smiled. "It's great. I'm gonna go to that café this weekend. You liked it too, didn't you, Jeff?"

"It was okay," Jeff grumbled.

Jared rolled his eyes again. Earlier in the evening, before Jensen had arrived, Jeff had been going on about how great the coffee was.

"How's the pizza?"

"It's good," Jensen said after swallowing a big bite of it.

"You like it, Jeff?"

"It's okay," Jeff said. "Not the best I've ever had."

"Jared picked it," Jensen said with a grin flashed at Jared.

Chewing slowly, Jared watched the two men. It had been his goal to stay out of their way and let them work things out.

Jeff set his pizza down and picked up his beer. "Well, it's clear that Jared doesn't always have good taste."

"Really?" Jared interjected.

"I like the pizza," Jensen said with a shrug.

Jeff reached for another slice of pizza but it wasn't cut all the way through.

Glad for the opportunity to leave _the ring_ , Jared pushed his chair back and stood. "I'll get a knife."

As he headed over to the island, Jared sighed. It wasn't that he had expected everything to go smoothly but he had hoped for slightly less than open hostility.

He yanked the drawer open and grabbed a knife as he listened to some murmuring from the table. If it came down to it, he would crack some heads together, but the night was still young; there might be a little bit of hope.

"... not like you would know," Jeff was saying as Jared arrived at the table.

"And, I suppose _you_ are some kind of saint?" Jensen asked. he pushed his plate further away from him and folded his arms across his chest.

"Oh my _God_ ," Jared exclaimed. He threw his arms out to the side and the knife caught the back of his chair and flipped towards Jensen's arm. Fast reflexes allowed Jared to snatch the knife out of the air. The problem was that he grabbed the _blade_ instead of the handle.

"Shit," Jared muttered. Pain shot up his arm and he let go of the knife. When it clattered to the table, blood spattered a few inches.

Jared headed back over to the sink quickly before opening his fist. Blood started pouring from the wound.

Jeff arrived at Jared's side and flipped the faucet on before moving Jared's hand under the cold stream.

"Are you okay, Jared?" Jensen swept Jared's hair back out of his face.

"Get out of the way," Jeff growled. He pulled Jared's hand out from under the tap and had a closer look.

The condo floor tilted, at least, Jared thought it did. He stumbled to the side a little and bumped into Jeff's chest. He looked down at his palm and his eyes widened in surprise. The knife had sliced a gash straight across his palm. He couldn't see how deep it was but there was a hell of a lot of blood.

Jensen's hand was warm on Jared's cheek and he turned towards it. "Jensen?"

"Stop interfering," Jeff said gruffly. "Jared, sit down at the table and I'll get your first aid kit."

"I'll help him," Jensen said.

"I'm not having a baby," Jared interjected. "I just cut myself." He was only a little light-headed because of the blood and the two beers he'd had trying to wash away the tension.

"Keep pressure on that," Jeff barked as he headed off.

Regardless of how Jared was feeling, Jensen tucked his arm under Jared's and helped him towards the chair.

Jared sank down onto the chair. A towel was pressed onto his hand and he looked up to see the worried expression on Jensen's face. He crouched down as he kept pressure on the cut. "You're clumsy," Jensen said.

Jared chuckled quietly. "Gonna kick me while I'm down? I was saving your pretty face."

"Very funny," Jensen muttered. Blood pooled in Jared's palm when Jensen pulled the towel back to have a look.

"I _said_ , keep the pressure on that," Jeff barked as he arrived with the first aid kit.

"Don't order me around," Jensen snapped.

"Out of the way," Jeff said while he opened the kit.

Jared sighed again. Things were _not_ going well at all.

As he stood, Jensen made sure that Jared had hold of the towel.

"Listen, Jeff. Can you just stop for long enough for us to look after Jared's hand?"

" _I_ will take care of jared. I've been his friend for a _very_ long time and I _am_ a nurse." Jeff pulled out some disinfectant and began to clean around the cut.

"So what? I'm his boyfriend," Jensen said softly. He reached out and slid his fingers into Jared's hair.

Jeff froze and looked down into Jared's eyes then up at Jensen.

Everything in Jared's body sort of jolted and it felt like heat was seeping out of every pore. _Boyfriend._ Okay, it was kind of a dumb word for a relationship between two grown men. But, to hear Jensen sat it; to hear Jensen say it in front of someone else was a step that Jared hadn't expected.

"Okay," Jeff said finally. He took a knee in front of Jared and pulled the towel away from the cut. "It's already stopping. Don't think you need stitches."

"It's just a cut," Jared mumbled. He glanced up at Jensen and couldn't help but smile.

Jensen's cheeks were flushed and his brow was furrowed. A crooked smile crept onto his mouth and Jensen rolled his eyes. "Let Jeff fix you up."

"Hey, Jensen. Can you open up one of those gauze pads for me?" Jeff looked up at Jensen and smiled slightly.

It was entirely worth Jared hurting himself to see his best friend smile at Jensen. He wasn't sure that he could survive without either man in his life. They were both important to him and he wasn't sure either of them knew how much.

"You're smiling a lot for someone who cut his hand open," Jeff said. He'd cleaned up Jared's hand quickly and was taping down some gauze.

All Jared did was nod.

Jeff patted Jared's leg. "All done. You'll live. Don't even have to amputate."

Chuckling, Jensen picked up Jeff's beer and held it out to him.

For a few heartbeats, Jeff didn't move and Jared thought he'd been happy prematurely. Then Jeff reached for the beer and nodded his thanks.

If that was the best things went that evening, it was a good first step.

He knew things would get better.

-=-=-=-

Things moved slowly for Jared and Jensen. It wasn't that Jared didn't trust Jensen, he just wanted everything to happen at the right pace.

As time passed, Jensen and Jeff grew to like each other. Reluctantly. There were times when it was pretty amusing. The two men would find themselves chatting and they would suddenly look uncomfortable and go quiet.

Jared thought it was cute.

He was also _certain_ that, eventually, they would be good friends.

It felt, to Jared, like he was able to settle into his new life finally. Work was challenging and enjoyable. Some of his co-workers were really great and Jared made some good friends. He often had people over and began to be much more social.

The first night Jensen came to one of Jared's parties was a very good night. Throughout the evening, Jensen would hold Jared's hand or kiss his cheek. Sometimes, he just stood beside Jared with a hand on the small of his back.

Good.

Jared arrived home on one Friday night, as he did most Fridays with some Thai food and a bottle of wine. The door was unlocked and Jared grinned. Either Jeff or Jensen was already there.

The door gave way and Jared tried to keep hold of the food. "Help!"

The familiar face of his best friend appeared around the side of the door. "You always carry too much instead of making two trips."

Jeff was still wearing his work clothes so he must have just finished a shift. "You stayin' for dinner?"

"Naw," Jeff answered. He took the paper bags from Jared and headed over to the kitchen island. "Was dropping off a book for Jensen."

When Jared looked over at the sectional, Jensen's hand appeared from where he was lying on the couch. He was holding a book with _The Night Circus_ on it.

"It's good," Jeff said.

"Jeff says it's good," Jensen called out. His tousled head appeared above the back of the couch and he rested his chin there. "Fell asleep on your couch."

It was nice to come home and find Jensen there. There were a lot of evenings when Jensen would get a text or an email and end up busy for hours working on repairs in the building. It might be a new building but they were still working out all the kinks.

"I'm heading out," Jeff said. He leaned in and kissed Jared's cheek. "Call me tomorrow."

"Okay." Jared squeezed Jeff's shoulder and watched as Jeff headed out the door.

"Thanks, Jeff!" Jensen called out.

"Text me," Jeff called back. He stepped out and closed the door.

"Texting each other now?" Jared asked. he shrugged out of his jacket and left it on one of the hooks by the door.

"We're just exchanging info about you." Jensen's grin was broad and warm.

"Very funny."

"There's a course I'm looking into and Jeff has a friend who took it." Yawning, Jensen stretched his arms high above his head.

"Long day?"

"There was a clogged pipe and I had to go to Kim's condo at 2 am." Jensen dragged his hands down his face then rested his arms on the back of the couch. "Plumber today."

"You hungry?" Jared moved the food over slightly and got a couple of plates out of the cupboard.

"I missed you." It wasn't an answer to Jared's question but he liked it nonetheless.

"I was too busy to miss anyone," Jared said. He found the corkscrew in one of the drawers and opened the wine.

"Come _here_ and say _hi_."

Jared laughed but he still headed over to the sectional. He leaned down and pressed his lips to the curve of Jensen's cheekbone. "Missed you, too."

Jensen's hands were on Jared's biceps in a flash. He yanked until Jared flipped over the back of the couch. The room turned upside down then righted itself and Jared found himself sitting on Jensen's lap. "Hi again."

"Hi," Jensen answered. His breath was hot and moist and Jared could feel it _everywhere._

Jared slid his arms around Jensen's shoulders. He leaned back a little and let Jensen hold him up for a few moments.

"Ooof." Jensen shifted around slightly and tried to get comfortable. "I know you got a big couch but it's not big enough for two guys our size. Is it?"

"Maybe not." Jared kissed Jensen's forehead and wriggled free then slid down to the floor in front of the couch.

"What you doing this weekend?" Jensen's fingers were trailing through Jared's hair.

"Not working," Jared answered quickly. "You?"

"Well. I had an idea." The couch pillow dipped as Jensen hauled himself around so he was lying on his back with his lips near Jared's neck.

The warm breath when Jensen exhaled tickled Jared's skin. _That_ idea sounded a little ominous.

"What kind of idea?"

Jensen's arm appeared over Jared's head and settled across his chest. "Well, you know how we've been talking things slow?"

Nodding, Jared let his gaze fall to his hands where they gripped his thighs. He felt the familiar tingle of anticipation skimming across his skin. "Yeah."

"I've got no scheduled jobs this weekend. And you know that guy I've been training? Misha? He's gonna cover the building this weekend."

Jared nodded again. Shortly after they'd decided to take another chance on each other, Jensen had decided he wanted to do more carpentry. He used Jared's basement workspace, and his own as a workshop. Misha would be the new Super once Jensen got too busy.

"I was thinking that you could spend the weekend at my place, or I could stay here." The words were soft against Jared's ear and he closed his eyes to hang on to them a little longer.

"Okay," Jared said.

There was only silence behind him and Jared opened his eyes and peered over his shoulder.

The smile on Jensen's face was a little shaky. "Okay, you understand but it's not an answer? Or okay, yes. Stay together?"

Jared's nose wrinkled slightly as he grinned. "Okay, stay here. Don't go home this weekend."

The arm around Jared tightened and Jensen sighed near Jared's ear. "Thank you, I know. I know it's a lot of trust."

"But I _do_ trust you," Jared said honestly. His hands curled over Jensen's arm and he squeezed.

"I'm looking forward to waking up next to you," Jensen said.

"I might be looking forward to other things more," Jared quipped.

Jensen laughed. "I'm not gonna disagree. It's been a long time."

"How long?"

"Oh _no_. We are _not_ having that conversation." Jensen tried to roll away but Jared held on tighter.

"What are you worried about?"

When Jared turned around to lean on the couch, Jensen pressed his lips together tightly and pointed at them.

"Chicken." Jared grinned.

"No way. I'm just smart," Jensen said quickly.

There was a little part of Jared that would definitely pursue the questioning later. But, it wasn't the right time. Not when they had a very special weekend ahead of them.

"So. About that food you brought home."

-=-=-=-

The condo was dark save for the moonlight that was streaming in the long windows. Jared loved the way that it fella cross Jensen's skin. He'd been looking at his phone while Jared got undressed. Without letting on, Jared had been watching him for a while.

They'd never spent a full night together the first time they'd been seeing each other. Each time Jared's eyes moved over Jensen's body he couldn't help smiling. It was a good feeling to have Jensen there. It made home feel even _more_ like home.

As soon as Jared flicked the overhead lights out he couldn't tear his eyes away from the way Jensen looked in the moonlight..

"I can _feel_ your eyes on me. You're not as sneaky as you think," Jensen said as he set his phone down on the nightstand. "Come to bed."

Jared didn't need to be invited. There was nothing more inviting than Jensen's presence.

With his boxers still on, Jared climbed onto the bed and flopped down next to Jensen "Hi."

Jensen rolled onto Jared's side and slung his arm low on Jared's hips. "I missed this."

There had been a few nights during their initial time together when they'd spent time just lying together. It felt different to Jared now that he knew so much more about Jensen's life. And, of course, it was completely different knowing they'd be together all weekend. It felt _very_ good.

Jensen rested his chin on Jared's chest and stared into his eyes. "What are you thinking about?"

"You," Jared said. "Us."

"I like the sound of that," Jensen said. "Us."

Jared nodded and his gaze followed the long line of Jensen's back to the swell of his ass as his body disappeared under the covers. "You're pretty hot."

It was Jensen's turn to laugh. "Why, thank you. You know, you've changed a lot. I know it's only been a few years but you don't look like a teenager anymore. Now, you look like a man."

While Jensen was speaking, he ran his hand over the muscles on Jared's chest. His touch was firm and thorough like he was trying to absorb everything he could about the feel of Jared's skin.

It was strange for Jared to realize that he'd been so much younger when they'd been together the first time. Maybe it would be better the way it had all worked out. " _Jesus_."

Jared was wrenched from his thoughts by the gentle pressure of Jensen's teeth on his nipple. His hand immediately moved to the back of Jensen's neck. "Okay. I'm done ... _God_ ... thinking."

The pressure relented slightly as Jensen laughed against Jared's sensitive skin. "That was easy."

"Have you _seen_ you?" Jared's eyes were wide and he let his hand smooth down Jensen's shoulder blade, the small of his back and his ass. The flesh was warm and smooth under his hand and Jensen could feel his cock swelling.

Once again, Jared was silenced by Jensen when strong fingers curled around his girth.

"Stop talking and fuck me," Jensen said.

Nodding mutely, Jared bit down on his bottom lip until it was almost painful. He could already feel the urge to thrust his hips up for more contact with Jensen's hand. His hair fell across his face and Jared shoved it away There was no way he wanted to take his eyes off Jensen.

In a couple of heartbeats, Jensen's hand was gone and he was straddling Jared's slender hips. His gaze was fierce as he looked down into Jared's eyes. "Listen, no one - I haven't. I haven't had sex since you."

"What?" Jared's fingers dug into Jensen's hips. "No. Way."

"I'm not blowin' smoke up your ass. I mean, I've been intimate with people but not this ... not sex."

There was a lot going on in Jared's mind and it was a huge amount to try and process. _No one._ "Are you saying ..."

"No condom. Please." Jensen leaned down closer and pressed his lips to the corner of Jared's mouth. "Please."

The words were winding their way through Jared's body. He had never had unprotected sex but _God_ it wasn't something he hadn't thought about. _Especially_ with Jensen. He had a better understanding of why they had always used condoms before.

It was at that moment that Jensen slid his ass forward and then back and Jared just about lost his mind.

The crack of Jensen's ass was hot and fit perfectly along Jared's cock.

In that moment, Jared would have said _yes_ to just about anything. He decided to just let Jensen _know_ how he felt.

A surge of adrenaline chased the _want_ through Jared's body and he grabbed Jensen's arms. Surprise flickered in Jensen's eyes but it was replaced quickly by desire.

Jared smiled darkly and rolled them. He held himself up over Jensen's body, muscles in his arms taut and strained. he stared down at Jensen and licked his lips.

It was obviously too much for Jensen. His back arched and his hips jutted up against Jared's. They were both hard and Jared shuddered when that hard flesh moved side by side.

"Fuck," Jensen whispered.

"Yeah."

Jared didn't waste any more time talking. He'd had enough waiting. His arms folded beneath him and he fell down onto his lover's firm body.

There was a flurry of movement. Jensen's hands felt like they were everywhere. Nails scraped down Jared's back and tugged his boxers down until they were kicked off. Then Jensen curled a leg over one of Jared's and held on tightly.

For his part, Jared took Jensen's mouth. He thrust his tongue forward and claimed every part of Jensen's mouth he could taste. _God_ , he'd missed the taste of Jensen. It wasn't even something he could describe but he _knew_ it like he knew how to breathe. From their first kiss down at Jensen's place, Jared had _remembered._

Jensen moaned and used his strength to roll them onto their sides. His skin was flushed and his pupils were wide under heavy lids.

The curves of Jensen's muscles were irresistible and Jared smoothed his hand down Jensen's side. His lean body was twisting and turning as he tried constantly to get closer to Jared.

Their mouths moved together like their bodies; it was the right side of rough and neither of them seemed able to stop.

Jared could feel the swell of Jensen's bottom lip each time he kissed him. It was soft and smooth and kiss-swollen and Jared wanted more of it.

He rolled to the side to grab lube and Jensen let out a frustrated sound. As frantic as Jared was to be inside Jensen, he couldn't help chuckling. He nearly dropped the small tube when Jensen punched him playfully in the shoulder.

"Don't be so impatient," Jared chided with a smile on his face.

The arousal on Jensen's face was striking and Jared reached out to run his thumb along Jensen's bottom lip.

With Jared's eyes on him, Jensen seemed to get even more turned on. There was sweat glistening on his chest and he was breathing quickly through slightly parted lips.

Jared beckoned Jensen forward with his lube-covered fingers.

It only took the space between two heartbeats for Jensen to press up against Jared's body. He threw his top leg over Jared's hips and rocked them back and forth almost desperately.

As slowly as he could, Jared ghosted his fingers over Jensen's abs, down his belly, along the soft flesh of Jensen's cock.

When Jensen's tongue pushed forward into Jared's mouth and ran along his own tongue, Jared slid his lube-slick fingers back to Jensen's hole.

The ring of muscle was tight and Jared felt a flash of heat burn through him. He pushed against the muscle and _just_ as his index finger slid into the tight heat of Jensen's ass both men lost more of their hold on their control.

The clench of Jensen's ass so tight on Jared's finger was _so_ hot that Jared felt the wet heat of pre-come sliding over the head of his cock.

Jensen was moaning; his open mouth was against Jared's and his eyes were squeezed shut. The red that had crept onto his cheeks highlighted his sandy freckles. He was gorgeous.

Time swept them along in its wake as Jared worked his lover's ass open. Jensen's mouth was constantly moving over Jared's neck. His teeth grazed sensitive flesh and he sucked on Jared's collarbone until the fiery blood was pulled to the surface in a dark mark.

Urgency swelled inside Jared's chest and he clawed at Jensen's shoulder with his free hand. By then, he had three fingers spread in Jensen's ass and he didn't want to wait any longer.

Jared pulled his fingers free and Jensen swore softly under his breath. They rolled again and, once on his back, Jared hauled Jensen over until he was straddling Jared's hips again.

The blistering heat of Jensen's body made Jared moan. He dug his fingers into Jensen's hips and urged him up.

Jensen's arms were shaking when he reached down to grab hold of Jared's hardness. He guided Jared back to his slick and relaxed hole.

Then Jensen eased himself down and his body took the full, swollen length of Jared's cock.

Jared made some unintelligible sounds as slick heat pressed in tightly around his cock.

Jensen sat back, closed his eyes and his muscles went slack for a few moments. He was breathing deeply and his hands were clenched into fists on his muscular thighs.

"Jensen?"

A sly smile appeared on Jensen's face and when he blinked his eyes open he stared down at Jared. When his hips moved, Jared gasped as pleasure ricocheted through his body. They fit together perfectly and Jared's heart began to thump so loudly he was sure that the entire world would be able to hear it.

They began to move in unison slowly. With pleasure as their guide they rocked their bodies together. Each thrust of Jared's hips upward drove his aching cock _hard_ into Jensen's ass.

There were moans, words that might have meant something at any other time. Both of them were sweating, panting, gripping each other's bodies.

When Jensen finally fell forward, the heat of his chest was scalding. His hard length was trapped between their abs and Jared could feel the slick come that was already seeping from it.

Jared's hands moved over Jensen's back and ass and he pressed Jensen even closer as their bodies writhed together.

Each of Jensen's exhales was sweet heat along Jared's jaw. His fingers found their way into Jared's hair and he clenched them into a fist. Every time Jared thrust his hips upwards Jensen would clench his fist tighter. There was pain and pleasure, desire and a little bit of insanity all whirling around inside of Jared.

The intensity of it was too much for Jared. It had been too long and it was _Jensen._ The man he'd loved for _so_ long was riding his cock and moaning as his teeth scraped along Jared's jaw.

A sweet sound fell from Jensen's lips and it was followed by a gentle sigh then his entire body jolted in pleasure.

When the heat of Jensen's come spread between their bodies, Jared's hips moved frantically.

He held Jensen there against his chest and, after a final hard thrust, Jared chased his orgasm until the peak was within his grasp. Jensen was twitching, his hands moved over Jared's shoulders and then down his arms.

Jared's orgasm was _so_ intense that he felt the world disappear until it was just the two of them.

Pleasure ripped through Jared's body in pulses so intense that everything went dark for a few moments. Hell, it could have been years for all Jared knew. He could hardly breathe but he held on to Jensen as tightly as he could.

Jared had no idea how long he and Jensen rode out the waves of pleasure. As the world settled back around them, Jared took as deep a breath as he could manage with Jensen's body draped bonelessly over him.

"Jensen?"

The only sign Jared got that his lover was alive was a weak nod. Jensen was still breathing hard and heat was radiating off his body.

"Heavy," Jared said gruffly.

Jensen made a dismissive sound and renewed his grip on Jared's hair.

There were _far_ worse ways to die. Breathing seemed a little overrated anyway,when compared to the comforting weight of his lover's body.

After a while, Jensen regained enough strength to ease himself free of Jared's cock. He collapsed heavily on the mattress at Jared's side.

There was a smile on Jensen's face. His ruddy cheeks made his long lashes look even darker than usual. He looked used and exhausted and Jared could stare at him forever.

"I love you," Jared murmured. His arm was still looped under Jensen's neck and he pulled him in closer to press a kiss to Jensen's forehead.

"Good," mumbled Jensen. "'Cause you're stuck with me." Jensen nestled closer and his arm snaked possessively over Jared's chest.

Jared felt limp and weak and exhaustion was chasing him down. 

For the first time in years, Jared felt as though everything was complete and perfect. He knew that there would still be challenges in front of them but it didn't matter. He also knew that they would be together. There would be no one running away, no matter what they had to deal with.

Jensen sighed contentedly and Jared smiled. The thought of wiping their bodies off skipped through Jared's mind but he didn't have the energy.

Besides.

There was always the dual heads in the shower.

Jared turned his face into Jensen's damp hair and smiled.

_Home._

-=-=-=- THE END -=-=-=-


End file.
